Tattoo by annie0888

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Submission Name: Tattoo dots

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Author:	annie0888
ASL Info:	44/f/LA
Elite Ratio:	5.59 - 279/246/75
Words:	86

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	125
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	675

Description:

Tattoo

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At St. Ignatius Catholic School for Girls
Twelve stand as one to recite
Forgive us our trespasses…

Twenty-four navy knee socks spring
from polished penny loafers,
Starched Peter Pan collars sprout
above a dozen pleated plaid skirts.

Twelve ponytails pulled smooth
Expose unadorned ears that hear
As we forgive those who trespass…

Outside, a solitary snowflake falls,
And a single butterflied ankle,
Poised to take on the world,
Burns beneath a fresh bandage.

Submitted on 2007-07-30 18:35:25 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Your descriptions are more like a book than a piece of poetry. They are quite wonderful. I mean, I've never seen a catholic school uniform (outside of movies and tv) but I am picturing something quite different.

You put alliteration to good use, and I always enjoy finding someone who does.

It's fitting, too, that you have snow beginning to fall right as you mention that tattoo.

Overall this shows a good amount of polish - has this been revised?

| Posted on 2007-10-16 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
  So, nitpicking details...

In the second strophe the repetition of sounds gives a good impression of how similar and repetitive the girls in the college are, but I think there's slightly too much alliteration, especially in the last two lines of it. I'd definately recommend altering something there, though I'm sure exactly what I'd change. Also, I think the comma after "skirts" would look better coming after "loafers" instead.

In the third strophe I think the line-break of the second line would read better like this:

Expose twenty-four perfectly unadorned
Ears that hear

because it looks and reads too long, while I think it would be good to have unadorned at the end of the line to highlight the word as it's an important contrast between these girls and the outsider.

And that's it on nitpicking details. I really quite liked this poem. The girls hollowly singing about forgiveness trapped inside the school, the outsider with her butterfly tatoo, a symbol of beautiful change. It makes me hopeful for the ones still inside.
| Posted on 2007-08-01 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
  she [the butterflied ankle/bandaged] got kicked out of school coz she got a tattoo...?
ive heard of such things occuring.

you tell your story well.
painting the image over all with great sharpness and attention to detail.
making sure that the reader knows how perfectly uniformed these girls are.
how its all about conformity and there is no room for individuality.

makes me think of the movie dead poets society when the teacher had three boys walk round the court yard at their own pace but in the end they ended up walking exactly the same... marching round and round with the rest of the class clapping to keep the timing...

a lesson in free thinking... in individuality... in non-comformity.

and i dare to go a step further and say that these girls in this piece learnt about hypocracy too... forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us... she got kicked out of school for "defiling" her own body... it wasnt a sin against anyone else really... may have broken a rule or two but werent school rules made to be broken once in a while...?

very well conceived piece.
| Posted on 2007-07-31 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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