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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: And We Will Fall Like Dominosdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raven_TheWolf
    ASL Info:    16/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.95 - 128/128/63
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 122
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 660



    Description:
       Written not too long ago; early June, possibly?

    I'm kind of iffy on the third stanza. I think it kind of works, but could be cleaned up a bit.

    I think the poem itself is self explainitory. All coming from a fifteen year old. BUUURRRN!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnd We Will Fall Like Dominosdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Metallic flames stand weary,
    Desperately clinging all that remains.
    Isn't it a shame how the day became so dreary?

    Rotting flesh goes unnoticed in light,
    The barrel of his gun rusts.
    Oh, how the good soldier put up a fight.

    The ivory out number the opal keys,
    All are equally neglected.
    She begs to be played, on her knees
    And yet, still, we're not affected.

    Tick-tock, tick-tock
    Time flies by and we don't notice.
    When the warning shows, we'll watch in shock.

    Isn't it a shame that this is the end?




    Submitted on 2007-07-31 00:18:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the feel of this poem, however I'm having a bit of a hard time following it. To me the 3rd stanza doesn't quite seem to follow smoothly. It stands out (not necessarily a bad thing) due to not only the change of subject, but also its 4 lines. With a little work, I think it could flow better.
    This is just personal preference, but I like it a lot when a poem has a definite rhythmic scheme. If you choose to re-work it, and if you want to have the 3rd paragraph stand out as it does, you might consider having a different rhythm scheme there. The rhyming you have is ABA, which seems to close each stanza as a smaller, separate capsule of thought. As you have it, I think this works well, but, again, the 3rd paragraph differs from this scheme.
    I like your last line. The way that it's standing alone makes the statement powerful and the way that it doesn't have a rhyme has the same effect. No offense, but I must admit, however, that it's a bit cliché. The end of the poem, the end of the thought, the end of the little world you've created.
    Nice imagery in the first 2 paragraphs; nice personification in the third. The 4th is less physical and more mental of a subject and (maybe it's just that I'm tired) but I'm a little confused about the "warning".
    | Posted on 2007-07-31 00:00:00 | by kyml | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
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