the fatal stillness of dreams by Someones Epiphany

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Submission Name: the fatal stillness of dreams dots

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Author:	Someones Epiphany
Elite Ratio:	8 - 4198/1955/140
Words:	101

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	549
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	799

Description:
a collab!
between jaydee and TJ [leftof_red]
the brilliance is his! all his! remember to rock by his page and worship him!
we sorta line by lined at the start and then almost stanza/thought by thought by the end but it works...

the fatal stillness of dreams dots

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She never kept her memories
before she met me-
black thread through
the tapestry of her mind,
fault lines of guilt across her
face.

rain is always
rain is
always
rain.

(breathing a fatal stillness)
Lies scattered
around us like ants,
lie shattered around us
like glass.

She said,
"we are step children of the reformers."
She questioned ,
why we'd keep our memories when we've given away their dreams?

rain-
always rain.
beauty never
sane.
pain is pain is pain.

We are liars.

Submitted on 2007-08-01 04:31:53 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is one Heck of a right!!!
I really Loved the inclussion of rain as I for one am a very firm believer in the Healing powers of the rain
Rain to me washes away all the negative trying to absorb us and leaves as fresh and new as a newborn to restart and forget the past and live life for today
The collaberation was excellent and very very well put together
CONGRATS on what I believe is a perfect write!!!
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2008-03-09 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the italisized parts, kinda like a nursery rhyme...a kinda eery nursery rhyme. But still.

Its interesting....nicely written and interesting...

good write,
Miranda
| Posted on 2008-02-23 00:00:00 | by UnderlinedInRed | [ Reply to This ]
  i LOVE the opening two lines... that's such a cute romantic idea.

and yeah this totally didn't feel like a collaborative! i wouldn't have known had i not looked up and read that it was.

my friend keegan and i did a collaborative once, but i honestly don't know what happened to it :( i hope he saved it cause i don't have it on my laptop here.

anyway i like the idea in sentence structure/rhyme/whatever here, but it is hard to read, i had to go over it a few times

Lies scattered
around us like ants,
lie shattered around us
like glass.
| Posted on 2008-02-14 00:00:00 | by andnow | [ Reply to This ]
  Welll you all write very well!!
This was gtreat and I loved every line!
Thanks for sharing.
Kelley Frost
| Posted on 2007-11-17 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
  I like to join the first lines of stanzas to see if I can see a poen inside of a poem. Try it:
"She never kept her memories---rain is always---breathing a fatal illness--She said --rain--We are liars" I thought that was rather cool.
| Posted on 2007-11-07 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
  Formatting on this peice is beautiful. I love the change in stanza structure. I especially like the "rain is always rain" 3-2-1-1 word thing that this poem has got going for it. I am a technical person myself, if a poem does not look good, then I usually don't read it, and this poem looks great. The thing I'm not good at is reading deep, but this one made the feeling therein quite clear. I like it.

Wishing for more
~Brian

| Posted on 2007-08-31 00:00:00 | by Imadjinn | [ Reply to This ]
  ...yes i can see that this might be a collaboration and yes i can say that it works but for me, not in the fact that it dovetails seamlessly into one piece though. rather because it is two scizophrenic baftard child pieces sewn together by italics.

so it is an atmospheric piece this and one which serves to remind us that there are secrets that can be told and others that simply cannot be told and that there are matters beyond us that just ought to stay that way.

and suggestions for improvement or change or or or would be nugatory effort because this is beyond that i think. this is a broken mirror to look into with care and in that respect it is altogether just ideal.

you know how it is i think.

or you wouldn't knot have writ it.

take it easy down there and oh; armourica was awful - awash with fat ba5tards...

take it easy mate,

k
| Posted on 2007-08-24 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  Yep! We are liars. We never want anyone not even ourseles to gain a bit of recognition as to who or what we are. We always want ourselves to be the ultimate utopia yet we rely on vain feelings and impulses to propel us through the labyrinth of the nonnity of ourselves. We say rain rain is rain and always rain but not recognising its various forms;thusly, rain is true to itself in always being attentive to temperature changes. Rain lets its temperment to be known and cares not what other forces have shaped its psyche.
| Posted on 2007-08-02 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
  To me this poem is about...

She seems to hide inside lies and forgetfulness because she can't exist in reality if there are no dreams or idealism left to give it meaning and beauty. But still rain will always be rain whatever she thinks or says. And lies can't hide that, and, really, dreams can't change that either. So all that's left is a fatal stillness because she can't embrace reality. Or something like that. I'm unsure and pretty sleepy... but determined to comment!

I like the image of lies as ants, it makes my skin crawl. Makes them seem awfully umpleasant. But get enough of them together and they can carry such heavy weight, build the most amazing structures.

Personally, I think the line following "She questioned" ought to be altered slightly so it can be enclosed in quotation marks so that it fits even more snugly with "we are the step children of the reformers".

And that opening line is so very Leonard Cohen.
| Posted on 2007-08-02 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
  It is really hard to think of this as a collaboration. It just fits soo well. Such a cool piece.

"She said,
"we are step children of the reformers."
She questioned ,
why we'd keep our memories when we've given away their dreams?"

That's my favourite thingy I've read in a long time right there. Seems to me that the step childrens memories would be the reformers dreams? Maybe I've missed your point, but if that was even slightly your point, I think it's marvelous.

"rain is always
rain is
always
rain."

It's been raining a heck of a lot up here, in fact it's pouring down right now. I wish I wasn't being made to stay inside, I love walking in the rain.

oh btw, if none of that made sense, it's cause I'm drugged up on painkillers, this Codiene stuff is rather strong

Awesome stuff though.

~Keiran~

| Posted on 2007-08-02 00:00:00 | by Keiran | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very interesting piece, and the fact that it is a compilation even more so.

How the thoughts of the both of you managed to weave together so well is pretty breathtaking.

This was a fun read. I especially liked the stanza of the ants and shattered lies. I had to read it a couple times before I realized it's entirety and then I was pretty amazed by it. I love it's wording.

Overall, a pretty brilliant piece. Kudos.

-Sandi
| Posted on 2007-08-01 00:00:00 | by Dimension_X | [ Reply to This ]

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