What I was, and will be by the heartless

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Submission Name: What I was, and will be dots

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Author:	the heartless
ASL Info:	15/male/LA
Elite Ratio:	3.46 - 24/68/43
Words:	125

Class/Type:	Personal Quotes/Serious
Total Views:	166
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	759

Description:
Dont pitty me

What I was, and will be dots

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This is the heart
It was back from the start
This is the Screw
It twists in and sticks like glue
This is the Life
It is love that creates the strife
This is what I choose
It is to loose

The broken hearts that make me
Who I am, who im ment to be
The cold, the hated, the lost
The one no one wants to have crossed

I create tears and gashes
The drops of water from your lashes
They were my fault
Its cause of me you revault

Against love I shall forever be
-The broken hearted
-The black hearted
-The lost cause
-The reason of all pain
Is what I was ment to be

Submitted on 2007-08-01 19:57:51 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
well, i think you can still put more work into this. the rhymes you have are sort of generic, like heart/start, screw/glue (especially with "sticks like"), strife/life, choose/loose (which should actually be lose), etc. they're all really commonly used, and the rhyming doesn't really add anything.

spelling errors really bothered me, too: lose, meant, revolt (i think it should be? if so, it wouldn't really make sense with the grammar and all).

i don't really like poetry about teenage pain or being an adolescent outcast; it's not my cup of tea. the message is a little trite. this tells of someone alone and unique in his pain, yet there are many, many kids also suffering from unrequited love and dislike. even so, i think i could like this more if you made some changes. stylistically, it's boring. you repeat words many times, like broken hearted and lost. while repetition can be a great poetic device that shows a recurring theme or emphasizes a thought, here it makes the piece redundant and plain. so better word choice would def help. imagery is also always nice, though if you can't fit it in here, then describing your feelings in novel ways would be another improvement, as well as adding more punctuation to make it interesting.

there's nothing wrong with connecting with your emotions; in fact, that's many times the point of writing. but it's also helpful to sometimes be detached from your feelings in one sense, to have a discerning, sharp, almost objective/clinical eye for neat lines that express with a sense of originality. the key is finding the balance. what i find eloquent is never maudlin. packing a work with emotion is commendable, but only if coupled with thought and new ideas.

just don't get stuck in a rut, just love, pain, pain, love.
| Posted on 2007-08-02 00:00:00 | by explosions | [ Reply to This ]

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