Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Gatedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PrettyHeart
    ASL Info:    39
    Elite Ratio:    3.06 - 62/55/53
    Words: 480
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 429
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2680



    Description:
        sestina, a French form. I thought I would try m luck at it. It was a hard poem to pull off.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Gatedots
    -------------------------------------------


    My Gate,


    There is this gate it should have been guarded.
    It is not to paradise yet within, there was a garden.
    So it is there the red rose matured with passion.
    Furthermore, the guardian well it was believed to be you.
    It’s been just a few days now; it’s now you know.
    And it is then; it’s just a game that you and me play.

    Someone steals it away; someone steals you away to play.
    Worrying me to death I don’t give into it, I wanted to stay guarded.
    No admitting it to my friends they’d only laugh if they were to know.
    How many times have you whispered, “Do I love you” in my garden?
    I constantly did at dusk, but not a soul in the night knew about you.
    Well, it’s right now you know; it’s throughout, my passion.

    You made known that you seek the truth; I said, “Honesty is all I know”.
    Send no answer back; vast times you haven’t; there’s been no passion.
    Have you ever-said “Do I love you” in the darkness inside my garden?
    Well, I always did; nobody ever knew anything ’bout the way we play.
    Do I love you? Well, I did every time, every night, never guarded.
    I relentlessly did at nightfall, but not a soul in the night knew about you.

    Well, I now remain inside my garden and lock the gate to stay guarded.
    What was my paradise is now dying, it’s wilted rose disgraces this garden?
    In spite of that you have neglected to encourage it with your passion.
    I no longer have a reason to ask if you ever asked, “Do I love you?”
    You have made it known that you seek the truth; I said truth is all I know.
    I now know that honesty is not what you’re wanting when you started to play.


    Always at dusk I asked myself if you loved me; I know it was me that loved you.
    My heart cannot deny it that you never loved me for the rose always did know.
    For it grew there in its delight knowing it was utterly weak, never guarded.
    Well now you know; in spite of everything, it’s far and wide, my passion.
    Even though not a soul stole it away; not a soul stole you away to play.
    How many times have you whispered, “I don’t love you” in my garden?

    It’s not been just a few days now; it’s forever you know.
    There in my garden the red rose grew with passion.
    It’s never been paradise and there is now a dying garden.
    And it is now; it had always been a game that you and me play.
    There is this gate it will now always be guarded.
    Thanks to the guardian well it was believed to be you.




    Submitted on 2007-08-02 09:40:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I haven't written a sestina in some time. It is a difficult form! I enjoy reading metaphors, and you've certainly used them in this poem. In my humble opinion, you have met the criteria for circular narrative with variations on the theme. I will offer a grammatical correction: "you and I play" rather than "you and me play." The punctuation is another area to consider, but I'm not the one to offer the best advice in that area. You've certainly put some time and effort into form writing, and I applaud you for taking on the challenge! Enjoyed the read, :-) Sharon
    | Posted on 2007-08-21 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    147555

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bond written by saartha
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Linger written by saartha
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry