Someone name this for me by SpartanSteve

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Submission Name: Someone name this for me dots

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Author:	SpartanSteve
ASL Info:	20/m/texas
Elite Ratio:	3.85 - 41/54/45
Words:	51

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	115
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	375

Description:
I can't come up with a working title for this. I'd call it tense, but that's unimaginative.

Comment and I'll comment back. Gotta get out of the negatives somehow and look like a giving kind of person :)

Someone name this for me dots

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So tense,
He leaves bite marks on the lips of styrofoam cups.

Short and jagged,
unchecked, his nails go ragged.

Beneath skin blotched,
red from scratching,
he itches.

If you caught his eye,
he'd look away.
And if he caught yours, you'd look,
and then he'd look away.

Submitted on 2007-08-02 16:35:04 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This write to me is a Great description of someone who fears Love
I for one fit into that roll perfectly as I have seen how so called Love can destroy a Beautiful Friendship
I personally have never experienced True Love as in a Relationship and to tell you the truth I Pray to God I never will
I am surronded with enough True Love from a Loving family and True Friends
I would hate to see a relationship destroy that
Thanks for sharing this
Though short this packs a Powerful wallop
God Bless
Ron
Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know mwhat you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2007-12-05 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, Personally I liked Icarus's titles the best so far - the whole 'Portrait of' idea seems really good... But I'm going to assume that being that Icarus's comment was left for you almost a month ago, that you didn't like it, or you've just been to lazy to change it :P (which is completely understandable - as I am on the computer right now for one reason only, and that's out laziness.) However, that being said, I just wanted to say that your style was all too fitting and unique - well done. Your meaning though is left to the reader - another thing I enjoy more than I should. It's completely open ended. This could be about a friend, a stranger, the bum down the street... Or it could have some random metaphoric meaning to it... I'm not really sure. For this reason, I think it would be best for you to come up with a title yourself. Or perhaps tell someone what you were going for our of this write (heck, just put a note up here or something) and we can try and fit that into the title...
You could leave the title as open ended as you left the poem, or you could give part of your poem away - A Stranger's Teeth ... (Yeah, it sounds childish, but you'd be surprised the kind of things that will intrigue someone skimming across the poetry page.).
lol once again I'm running on no sleep, but sometimes I think better now than any other time. So Hopefully (so hopefully) I haven't just wasted your time lol. Good luck finding the title.
I still like the 'Portrait of...' idea...
Take care.
| Posted on 2007-08-31 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok, so you want to come up with a title for this piece. I can only give you suggestions. I agree with you when you say that it shouldnt be called 'tense'. Maybe you could use the reason for his tension to create a title. OR, like Icarus has said, you could use a synonym for "tense"... like; "Restive" "Overstrung" "Uptight" to be honest I'm not really sure what to title it as ...

To me, your poem could be taken in many different ways:
Maybe he is just a shy person, who is not on the run from someone or something, but in fact is on the run from himself.
Or maybe he is in a relationship with a very jealous person, who is about to come back, from where ever they have gone... but if they catch him looking at another woman they will go beserk, hence the nervousness, and the looking away.
I could go on, but Whatever I come up with, you probably wrote it with a different interpretation in mind.

With all of that said, I really liked this poem. I like the way it was written, the style of the piece, the conceptual basis, Its simplicity...
My favourite lines are;

"Short and jagged,
unchecked, his nails go ragged."

But the whole piece worked so well.
I'm thinking Favourites addition.

~SC
| Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by seriouscutter19 | [ Reply to This ]
  Maybe you could use a title that suggests a reason why the character is so tense, such as "On the Run". Or you could use a synonym of tense, such as "High-strung". Or perhaps "A Portrait of Nerves", or "A Portrait of Shyness" or some such thing. Just a few ideas.

In the third strophe I'm not sure you really need to say that "he itches" because it's kind of implied by the scratching, so it feels a bit unneccessary. It could possible be quite interesting though if you altered it slightly to "he never itches" because then it suggests that he scratches because he is nervous and needs something fidegty to do with his hands. Or maybe not. It's up to you.

I feel sorry for this poor, tense, man.
| Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought this was really good. I like it a lot. I saw the picture really clearly in my mind. It actually made me think of a hunchback of notre dame disney style thing where the pretty girl befriends the ugly insecure guy, although I know that's not what this is about.

The only thing I didn't like was the second line. It just seems too long; it feels like it needs to be broken up a bit.

I have no title ideas, sorry. I think you're right not to use Tense, though. It doesn't seem fitting.

Good job, keep writing

~Venia
| Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]

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