Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lying in the Streets....dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Predator
    ASL Info:    21/m/Derbyshire, England
    Elite Ratio:    7.02 - 257/198/73
    Words: 122
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1098
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 760



    Description:
       A conversation... If you don't speak Spanish I'd rather you didn't translate it. Half the point is not understanding it all :) (Thanks to Benarsi at WC for the Spanish help)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLying in the Streets....dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Title: Lying in the Streets with Rebels in the Hills

    The streets of this city lied to me.
    Pero yo te conte la verdad. Siempre.
    I know. People are watching.
    Me da igual. Dejalos mirar.
    It isn’t safe. There are soldiers in the streets.
    Me da igual. No estoy asustado. Te quiero.
    I have to go.
    Quedate, por favor
    I’m sorry…
    Te quiero. Quedate…

    Quedate conmigo
    You know I love you…




    Submitted on 2007-08-03 03:10:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I did something like this once (Germ) and I thought it turned out well (using German). Either people liked it a lot or didn't at all "get it".

    I think that the interplay of foreign language adds a fresh element, a certain flavor and reminds us that there are millions of people who do not claim English as their primary language.
    | Posted on 2007-11-06 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      What's this? Just dialogue?---name withheld.

    I will try my very best, forgive me if I transcript it to French and go from there...it's easier for me to interpret it that way than translate it to English straight, that's not your intention and English tends to rob a piece of its true meaning.

    'Lying in the Streets with Rebels in the Hills...' already an enigmatic title. Especially with the first two lines: "the streets of this city lied to me" and the 'revelation' of some form of truth in the one immediately following. Starting with a desperate attempt to look for 'truth'.
    toujours. one word line and yet it tugs at my heart!

    after that the 'people are watching'. On the streets one is never alone, despite whatever time one decides to go anywhere, and after that you have 'ça m'est égal' [me da igual] one doesn't care, it's an expression and people can look if they want to. Already setting the scenes and roping in the reader's interest.
    And you've done that in just four lines!

    'there are soldiers on the streets' but it still doesn't matter. 'Te quiero' your endings are so short and yet every word shouts volumes. J'ai envie!

    the part after that...the separation of souls, it's heart wrenching, really. I refuse to transcript, or translate, I'll just let the Spanish wash over me...

    apart from the content, I'll examine the structure. Just dialogue is already a daunting task, it's easier to wrap it in metaphors instead of doing it in an in-your-face sort of thing. There's obscurity if you can't interpret the 'other side' of the story going on in the piece, but for some reason I feel your hidden visions lay actually in English rather than the Spanish portion. If that's intentional I applaud you, it's an enigma indeed. If not, ignore it as my misinterpretation. Languages are beautiful and teach you so much about a person, rather than anything else.

    I have to go...
    esteras siempre en mi corazon

    Cheers, I am eternally grateful for the wonderful read.
    Azuire
    | Posted on 2007-08-24 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      I have made a vow to comment even if I do not entirely understand something, since there are all too many of us who read through a poem and then refuse to comment. I will not be one of them. Unfortunately, that means I must open my mouth where I have no knowledge of anything.

    Ignoring that consideration, this is what I thought.

    It seemed like, overall, you took a conversation between someone who understood Spanish fluently but didn't want to speak it, and someone who understood English fluently but didn't feel like speaking it either. And then posted it. I don't know. It's not the sort of poem I encounter on a regular basis. I don't see any spelling or grammatical errors, and it's not the standard type of thing so I can't really say anything about composition or format.

    Sorry I couldn't be of more help. It just doesn't seem to me like there's enough here to really constitute a complete piece. It could be that I'm missing something...

    --crimson
    | Posted on 2007-08-22 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this poem. Its dark and vague and I agree with jenFlynn that it contributes to the poem's obscurity. Yet for someone who knows Spanish, it is obvious that there is some kind of romantic relationship between the two voices, the passionate spanish woman and the protective englishman, yet in the end im not sure who speaks, its kinda ambiguous if you didnt mean for the voices to represent themselves in the last lines and exchange languages...but i guess im just complicating things heh. Well, I enjoyed this spanglish treat, well done
    -Maria
    | Posted on 2007-08-17 00:00:00 | by AutumnLeaves | [ Reply to This ]
      I understood the Spanish, very vaguely. I understood the concept of each line (hopefully). I know you said not to translate (or to try, basically), but I had to. It would mean so much more if the poem's multicultural side was brought out and understood, including all the insight of the English side of the dialogue.

    I actually really enjoyed how the dialogue took place in two different languages. It reminds me of how my mother speaks to my aunt in Italian when she does not want anyone else to understand the conversation- nonetheless, it is understood. Nothing is left veiled.

    I felt that was your intent- you did it intentionally to cover half the truth in your poem. I also believe that is what your poem is about- the half-truth, being in the dark, manipulating veracity. The poem seemed as if the English character was trying to 'get rid of' the Spanish Character, who is devoted to him. Englishman was passive and introverted, but possibly protecting her, or himself, from the lurking danger that either he put himself in, or she put him in. Maybe she is a prostitute?

    You wanted people to search for the meaning of the other language, as if it was the only portal into the poem's significance. Or, you did not, knowing readers would anyway, to experiment with the menaing of the poem anyway.

    A well-penned poem
    | Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    147584

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Records I written by Raphael
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Love written by saartha
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Cover written by saartha
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Carry written by saartha
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Etiquette written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry