Let me by slntfirflm

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Let me dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	slntfirflm
ASL Info:	16/f
Elite Ratio:	5.77 - 296/327/90
Words:	117

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	181
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	714

Description:
Open for interpretation~~

Let me

-------------------------------------------

Let me be real
as real as the flowers you pick.
For my funeral.
Such bittersweet.
Let us not end this so soon
as soon as the plastic rose decays
well end it that way.

Let me forgive my insanity
as insanity takes control of me.
what leads me to this padded door
in the first place.
Let me not to temptation
as temptation is what sends you back
I won't go down that way.

Let me grow into that flower
as that flower blossoms
you slowly see the decay
not such plastic.
Let me show you the way
as the way of wind is what feeds control
That is the only way.

Submitted on 2007-08-03 04:18:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
I can see the concept you have tried to tag to this piece. However, I feel that it is lost in your phraseologies. As is the tone and effect. Dont get me wrong, the ideas are there, it just needs polishing as the overall structure of the piece is lacking somewhat.
The flow of the piece seems to be constricted as you alternate from long sentences to short. It is hard for a reader to grasp and comprehend what you are trying to say, when they have to keep focusing on the context of each line.
For example;

"Let me show you the way
as the way of wind is what feeds control
That is the only way."

Those lines didnt make much sense to me, when in actuall fact they should have summed up your poem with a powerful message; it is the end of your poem afterall. So instead of trying to show the reader how mysterious and aloof you can be, maybe you should focus on being less abstruse.

Personally I like the line "let me forgive my insanity"-it would have to be my favourite. It exemplifies a great image of insanity, and the surrounding themes that your poem touches on. However, like crimson echo stated, it loses intensity with the lines that follow; unfortunately.
As for the last line of the first stanza, I think you mean We'll instead of "well"...

Basically, all I think you need is a quick revision of this piece. It is already halfway there.
Good luck.

~SC
| Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by seriouscutter19 | [ Reply to This ]
Pretty ambiguous. I find the thread of the flower symbol intriguing, but the narrative seems to break up as you run from stanza to stanza. I'm not sure if it achieves the effect you wanted, especially the last few lines:

"Let me show you the way
as the way of the wind is what feeds control
That is the only way."

I don't quite get what you're trying to say there. It's overcomplicated in structure; basically, by making the sentences there too long, you lose the reader's attention and make them wonder what the heck just happened.

"Let me forgive my insanity" is my favorite line. The one following after needs to be stronger, though. The insanity taking control is a little too soft for something that the first line insinuates as on par with murder. The last line of the first stanza, too, doesn't quite make sense in or out of context.

I like the use of the line "let me not to temptation," though you misquoted. It's a line from the Lord's Prayer, which works well in a poem about someone trying to retain a sense of who they are in the depths of madness. The line should go: "Lead me not into temptation".

All in all, this has turned out to be an interesting conglomeration of words. I plan on reading more.

--crimson
| Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.