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    dots Submission Name: Take your Weight, Live it updots

    Author: slntfirflm
    ASL Info:    26/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 301/331/93
    Words: 76
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 741
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 513

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    dotsTake your Weight, Live it updots

    Soothe into thy surroundings
    shed all your wounds in my tub
    shall you take
    to cleanse again.

    Now disagree, do not
    as we both know
    a tainted stone
    burns more sour
    than the painted lies.

    Rubbish it all into the thicker cracks
    seal ever scar
    into my beauty.
    it will heal.

    And why clutter
    your vacant selves
    while mine stand full
    before we store
    away with your poision.

    Submitted on 2007-08-03 04:33:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like cryptic, allusive pieces like this because they really leave a lot open to interpretation and you can read in different tones.

    I liked the ending stanza - that seemed like a little poem all in itself.

    This reminds me of one of those pieces inspired by magnetic poetic words.

    Love,peace,joy&smiles to share

    tif ~*~
    | Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Also quite ambiguous. I'm not sure what you're talking about here: there are nice images, but absolutely no narrative thread--no sense of a personality behind the words, and no sense of who or what you're trying to portray. I think that, before you focus on the imagery, you have to know the personality of the piece--to give it a soul of its own. That's what will impact people the most.

    Another problem is your mixed word use/choice. "Shall you take/ to cleanse again." "A tainted stone/ burns more sour/ than the painted lies." What are you trying to say? It doesn't make sense, really; at least not in the current phrasing.

    I liked the lines:

    "And why clutter
    your vacant shelves
    while mine stand full"

    because they show some sort of relationship between the voice of the poem and the object of her speech.

    Overall, it's interesting, but nothing to write home about. My advice is to try and keep some thread of similarity running through the piece--to give the reader a sense of progression and of narrative. Poems have stories too, you see.

    | Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]

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