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Take your Weight, Live it up

Author: slntfirflm
ASL Info:    26/F/CA
Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 301 /331 /93
Words: 76
Class/Type: Poetry /Dark
Total Views: 1321
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 513


Take a spin at it.

Take your Weight, Live it up

Soothe into thy surroundings
shed all your wounds in my tub
shall you take
to cleanse again.

Now disagree, do not
as we both know
a tainted stone
burns more sour
than the painted lies.

Rubbish it all into the thicker cracks
seal ever scar
into my beauty.
it will heal.

And why clutter
your vacant selves
while mine stand full
before we store
away with your poision.

Submitted on 2007-08-03 04:33:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I like cryptic, allusive pieces like this because they really leave a lot open to interpretation and you can read in different tones.

I liked the ending stanza - that seemed like a little poem all in itself.

This reminds me of one of those pieces inspired by magnetic poetic words.

Love,peace,joy&smiles to share

tif ~*~
| Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Also quite ambiguous. I'm not sure what you're talking about here: there are nice images, but absolutely no narrative thread--no sense of a personality behind the words, and no sense of who or what you're trying to portray. I think that, before you focus on the imagery, you have to know the personality of the piece--to give it a soul of its own. That's what will impact people the most.

Another problem is your mixed word use/choice. "Shall you take/ to cleanse again." "A tainted stone/ burns more sour/ than the painted lies." What are you trying to say? It doesn't make sense, really; at least not in the current phrasing.

I liked the lines:

"And why clutter
your vacant shelves
while mine stand full"

because they show some sort of relationship between the voice of the poem and the object of her speech.

Overall, it's interesting, but nothing to write home about. My advice is to try and keep some thread of similarity running through the piece--to give the reader a sense of progression and of narrative. Poems have stories too, you see.

| Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]

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