Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Take your Weight, Live it updots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: slntfirflm
    ASL Info:    26/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 301/331/93
    Words: 76
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 741
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 513



    Description:
       Take a spin at it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTake your Weight, Live it updots
    -------------------------------------------


    Soothe into thy surroundings
    shed all your wounds in my tub
    shall you take
    to cleanse again.

    Now disagree, do not
    as we both know
    a tainted stone
    burns more sour
    than the painted lies.

    Rubbish it all into the thicker cracks
    seal ever scar
    into my beauty.
    it will heal.

    And why clutter
    your vacant selves
    while mine stand full
    before we store
    away with your poision.




    Submitted on 2007-08-03 04:33:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like cryptic, allusive pieces like this because they really leave a lot open to interpretation and you can read in different tones.

    I liked the ending stanza - that seemed like a little poem all in itself.

    This reminds me of one of those pieces inspired by magnetic poetic words.

    Love,peace,joy&smiles to share

    tif ~*~
    | Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Also quite ambiguous. I'm not sure what you're talking about here: there are nice images, but absolutely no narrative thread--no sense of a personality behind the words, and no sense of who or what you're trying to portray. I think that, before you focus on the imagery, you have to know the personality of the piece--to give it a soul of its own. That's what will impact people the most.

    Another problem is your mixed word use/choice. "Shall you take/ to cleanse again." "A tainted stone/ burns more sour/ than the painted lies." What are you trying to say? It doesn't make sense, really; at least not in the current phrasing.

    I liked the lines:

    "And why clutter
    your vacant shelves
    while mine stand full"

    because they show some sort of relationship between the voice of the poem and the object of her speech.

    Overall, it's interesting, but nothing to write home about. My advice is to try and keep some thread of similarity running through the piece--to give the reader a sense of progression and of narrative. Poems have stories too, you see.

    --crimson
    | Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    147586

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Bond written by saartha
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Push written by JanePlane
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Linger written by saartha
    To written by SavedDragon
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry