caramel covered day dreams
butter flavored death
slippery slopes of cyanide
almond scented breath
cold finger of excitement
numb lips of heated dread
goodbye everyone
the poison is in the bread......
This was nice. Who says short pieces of poetry cannot be enjoyable? Your choice of words was very nice, specially at the start of the poem. I have a suggestion or two:
"the poisons in the bread......" should be changed to "the poison is in the bread." I know it might sound silly but I think small things like that can do a great deal to improve the flow of the poem , specially when it depends so much on it like in this case.
The line "cold finger of excitement " seemed slightly out of place in the poem to me . I would put some more thought into it and try and alter it a little.
On the whole, not much to complain about. I always enjoy these type of poems with vivid description and clipped sentences and this was no exception. Well written. Thanks for sharing,
Quite clever. Funny to me, but then I have a dark sense of humor- sorry if that's not really the effect you were going for. Kind of reminds me (in style) of e e cummings. The words you used were particularly brilliant at the beggings of the lines- the entendre and sensory relation were very illicitive. Fun to read and try to visualise.
-Q
Submission Name: Poisons
