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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One more step.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 805
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 917



    Description:
       just a rough draft.
    Not really much of a scheme, gunna go back to it when my head is more clear.
    But feel free to make suggestions, im a bit rusty.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne more step.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I've opened the door to your heart.
    Yet I'm not supposed to step in.
    For I'll drown, an inability to swim.
    My legs are crooked, broken, useless.
    And I don't feel like submerging quite so soon.

    I'll enjoy the outside air for a while longer,
    So I may decide if its truly worth it, to tell you,
    That I love you. If I honestly do.

    You tell me so, almost everyday, perfectly,
    You remind me, everythings ok.
    You whisper complements more frequently than before.
    Somethings changed, yet I wish it was something more.

    I believe you, with all my heart,
    But honey, darling,
    Your love isn't real.
    A first, you are tempted to feel.
    Misapprehension and its suspension
    leads to miscomprehension
    the entangled limbs,
    attempting to swim.




    Submitted on 2007-08-04 12:35:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      hmmm,
    His love is not real love. Okay. And the concept of drowning. Interesting.
    I think both of these idea can make an amzing poem but to be honest, i feel like you haven't yet decided what you really wanted to do with this piece.
    I think you can use the concept of unreal love in a world where you are in the middle of the ocean in your boat when a storm comes in and you go overboard and because you cannot swim, you begin to drown. That could be a good picture.
    Or you can use the same concept of unreal love in a swimming pool or whatever other part there is where there is water and go with it.
    So far, i really don't see the picture very clear. It's blurred but i'm sure with an idea, you can make this piece a wow.

    Looking forward in seeing the finished piece. I'm sure it'll be worth the read.

    Cheers,

    Irina
    | Posted on 2007-08-06 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      I know this is just a first draft so I am not going to make a whole lot of suggestions.
    As I started to read this I has the vision of drowning then had that vision broken by falling. I felt the pain and emotions in the poem but could not stay " involved" with the poem after this. Both your " drowning" line and your " falling" line can work but try sticking to one to the finish. i
    drowning, sinking, deluge....all different ways to play around the water words. Looking forward to reading the finished work!
    | Posted on 2007-08-04 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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