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    dots Submission Name: One more step.dots

    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 805
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 917

       just a rough draft.
    Not really much of a scheme, gunna go back to it when my head is more clear.
    But feel free to make suggestions, im a bit rusty.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne more step.dots

    I've opened the door to your heart.
    Yet I'm not supposed to step in.
    For I'll drown, an inability to swim.
    My legs are crooked, broken, useless.
    And I don't feel like submerging quite so soon.

    I'll enjoy the outside air for a while longer,
    So I may decide if its truly worth it, to tell you,
    That I love you. If I honestly do.

    You tell me so, almost everyday, perfectly,
    You remind me, everythings ok.
    You whisper complements more frequently than before.
    Somethings changed, yet I wish it was something more.

    I believe you, with all my heart,
    But honey, darling,
    Your love isn't real.
    A first, you are tempted to feel.
    Misapprehension and its suspension
    leads to miscomprehension
    the entangled limbs,
    attempting to swim.

    Submitted on 2007-08-04 12:35:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
    His love is not real love. Okay. And the concept of drowning. Interesting.
    I think both of these idea can make an amzing poem but to be honest, i feel like you haven't yet decided what you really wanted to do with this piece.
    I think you can use the concept of unreal love in a world where you are in the middle of the ocean in your boat when a storm comes in and you go overboard and because you cannot swim, you begin to drown. That could be a good picture.
    Or you can use the same concept of unreal love in a swimming pool or whatever other part there is where there is water and go with it.
    So far, i really don't see the picture very clear. It's blurred but i'm sure with an idea, you can make this piece a wow.

    Looking forward in seeing the finished piece. I'm sure it'll be worth the read.


    | Posted on 2007-08-06 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      I know this is just a first draft so I am not going to make a whole lot of suggestions.
    As I started to read this I has the vision of drowning then had that vision broken by falling. I felt the pain and emotions in the poem but could not stay " involved" with the poem after this. Both your " drowning" line and your " falling" line can work but try sticking to one to the finish. i
    drowning, sinking, deluge....all different ways to play around the water words. Looking forward to reading the finished work!
    | Posted on 2007-08-04 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]

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