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Final Release


Author: Nynaeve
ASL Info:    23, female, Israel
Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 43 /67 /28
Words: 75
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1022
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 503



Description:


At first the surface is quiet.....because the pain is buried deep inside. That's why the swans are screaming. But when the pain is finally let out and it crashes into you like a blow to the face, the swans are finally free.


Nyn


Final Release



On a surface of water
Nothing stirs
So very still
I can hear the swans screaming.

I firmly believe
While the quietness ensnares
That all will remain
Untouched by my fears.

But the ripples are here
Uneasy and relentless
A wave forms and surrounds me
There is no escape.

I close my eyes and prepare
For the ferocious blow
When my body grows numb
And the swans are free to go.




Submitted on 2007-08-06 17:44:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  There is a sense of disconnection between the imagery of the metaphor and the writer's interaction within the story. The transitions from still waters to ripples to waves happens with little explanation as to the cause or source.

You have some great ideas here, I just think the presentation does not tie them together as well as possible. Perhaps it might read better if you step away from the piece entirely and write it from the perspective of the swans.

Just a thought.

The Gadfly
| Posted on 2007-08-07 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]


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