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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: INSANITYdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Indelible_ink
    ASL Info:    20/F/AZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 143/109/25
    Words: 210
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1021
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1287



    Description:
       I was bored and started to write this. It's about someone who has someone close to them become mentally unstable but wants to stay there for that person with a constant hope that they'll come back.

    It's a bit wordy and the title is clichť' but bear with me......


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsINSANITYdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The sweaty handprints muddle your jeans
    The tick of your neck, the held back scream
    The scattered qualities of a stolen mind
    I know youíre in there but so hard to find

    You were just a backdrop to a tumultuous life
    An innocent bystander to your own violent plight
    A victim of insanity, now a world apart
    I know youíre in there under layers of scars

    Our hearts beat differently I can hear it from here
    Rhythms of paranoia perceived by a keen ear
    I try to read you but Iím constantly wrong
    I know youíre in there, please stay strong

    Further conflicting as black to white
    I, not a color but an invisible stripe
    Youíll never see me standing right here
    I know youíre in there; itís how far I fear

    You crossed the threshold to an opposite world
    Kidnapped by chaos, the tempestís prized pearl
    I stand here waiting for the mystery to unfold
    I know youíre in there through the heat and the cold

    Yes, the eye of the storm found you attractive
    Donít recognize you, donít know what happen
    Through the eerie smile and that olí faithful twitch
    I know youíre in there; Iím not so easy to trick




    Submitted on 2007-08-06 22:24:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      Insanity has many different forms when it's written by so many people. Your definition of insanity in this piece is as unique as every person. People have different thoughts and different styles and you've proved that although the title is a clichť and probably doesn't attract as much people as it should, it's still a very worthy piece to read because it has ideas that only you can think of and write about.

    I especially loved the repeated yet differently structured sentences at the end of every stanza. It really did show that you took the time to consider the effect of this poem. The effect was great. It made an impact on me.

    I didn't like these sentences for some reason:

    Kidnapped by chaos, the tempestís prized pearl

    Yes, the eye of the storm found you attractive

    It didn't do you any good in the piece. It didn't have any kind of effect on me.
    Apart from that, i think this is a powerful piece. Congrads.

    Cheers,

    Irina
    | Posted on 2007-08-08 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that your style choice doesn't really fit well the theme of the poem, there are multitudinous realms of poetry to dive into and some very effective for explaining insanity, this one kinda... too classic, too structured, too bland for such an interesting topic.

    Of course I have some "ideological" problems with the work as well, you say you can't read the crazy person, but crazy people are the easiest to read because unlike the rest of us miserable whelps, crazy people tell the truth because they don't know any better, they may see truth differently, but they reflect it as honestly as their crazy little minds can. That's the difference between the crazy and the sane, the sane remember to lie. Also the language usage throughout the poem gives a somewhat ambivalent tone to the piece.

    At times you have a sorta casual conversation-like poem going on here, then other times you through in words like "plight" and "tempest's pearled prize". Those clash with the whole conversation when you dip into remnant 19th century terminology. Go one way or the other, riding the fence looks silly. Potential here, just develop.
    | Posted on 2007-08-07 00:00:00 | by yonkit | [ Reply to This ]
      this was really good and i'm glad i read it.

    Yes, the eye of the storm found you attractive
    Donít recognize you, donít know what happen
    although those lines threw me off, it was really the second one. it didn't seem to fit with the first. but other then that i really love it.
    | Posted on 2007-08-06 00:00:00 | by poppi | [ Reply to This ]


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