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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shh Whisperdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vampiric Death
    Elite Ratio:    2.27 - 133/159/91
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 947
    Average Vote:    4.6667
    Bytes: 823



    Description:
       the first three lines in each stanza start the same. for example:
    Shh,(pause) whisper(pause),
    Be (pause) quiet (pause),
    etc.

    A contest entry


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShh Whisperdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shh, whisper, or the past is going to get you...
    Shh, whisper, you don't want to die...
    Shh, whisper, and nothing bad can get through,
    In this place where even truth is lie.

    Be quiet, so the monsters will not find you...
    Be quiet, or you will be caught...
    Be quiet, you know my words are all true,
    In this place where even time is bought.

    Don't move, lest the darkness find you...
    Don't move, it is coming near...
    Don't move, it is coming into view,
    In this place where the only truth is fear.

    Scream, run, cause I'm gonna get you...
    Scream, run, you will never survive...
    Scream, run, I'm on the back of your shoe,
    In this place where your past is alive.




    Submitted on 2007-08-07 10:52:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      unique and very very neatly written. I especially like the contrast of the last stanza to the rest of the poem. I can almost hear everything exploding into sound as the dead silence is broken.

    loving the stuff you write so far
    | Posted on 2007-09-13 00:00:00 | by Keller | [ Reply to This ]
      :]]
    i like this poem quite a lot.
    i like how you said "Don't move, lest the darkness find you..."
    very neatly written
    and very well written
    i would say this is one of meh faves!
    :]]

    | Posted on 2007-09-10 00:00:00 | by tiffaroox3 | [ Reply to This ]
      nice. like real nice.

    i digg this poem mad crazy.
    | Posted on 2007-08-14 00:00:00 | by DaGrimReaperess | [ Reply to This ]
      Uhh... interesting.. different defiantly.... anyway... yea i commented - be happy.... cha bye
    | Posted on 2007-08-10 00:00:00 | by OscuraAmor | [ Reply to This ]
      If you want pauses between the words, I believe it would have worked better if you did this for example:

    "Shh,
    Whisper,
    Or the past is going to get you...

    Shh,
    Whisper,
    You don't want to die...

    Shh,
    Whisper,
    And nothing bad can get through...

    In this place,
    Where even the truth,
    Is a lie"

    and so on and so on. etc, etc.

    This will lengthen the poem and add more mystery and creepyness to a possible voice by pacing the text, much like the pacing of certain top rated thrillers by keeping the readers on the edge of their seat.

    You should not have to explain everything to the readers. Normally people know when to pause by reading it like this. A publisher wouldn't want an explaination with every poem. The poems have to speak for themselves, even if readers can see things differently than other readers or even the writer.

    All in all, this is a very good, creative, and thought provoking write. Keep up the good work.

    Take care,
    Eric
    | Posted on 2007-08-08 00:00:00 | by EseanB | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting, very interesting
    | Posted on 2007-08-08 00:00:00 | by b_v_grant | [ Reply to This ]
      Really unique and cool. I felt as if this would be a whisper in my ear following me as I try to run from my past mistakes and regrets. If that was your goal you certainly acheived it and if it wasn't well that's what you got.
    Katana
    | Posted on 2007-08-07 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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