Very Cleverly written
I really like how you showed the things that bring us Happiness can blind the Negativity weighing us diown for a little while
But the only way to truthfully destroy all that negativity is a Positive attitude
In this world we create our own Happiness and sadly we also create our own pain through our own decisions
Very Well Done
Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
the spacing thing is a formatting issue... when you submit, click the 'cool formatting' button and it'll show you the details. if you want spacing, it's . sp3 . minus the spaces, and it'll give you 3 spaces. there are only a few numbers you can use, which i weird... like, 1, 2, 3, 6, 7... dunno... experiment.
it's cute. a lot has been said already. but yeah... cute. in a sad way. good juxtaposition. the macncheese and the last stanza.
This is really good. and the comparison of how you feel with macaroni and cheese was genius. I mean, who doesn't love mac n cheese? And who has never felt like they ate too much? Pairing Mac n cheese with chocolate milk is crazy. I mean its like dinner at home mixed with school lunch.
The poem overall was well written. The underscoring was really smart. I just submitted a poem that the spacing didn't work, I should have thought of that.
I think you said what you wanted and was really clear in what you were saying. And I agree with JimweiZERO, your poem does flow really fluently.
Someone said something about this being a techno song and now I just hear this in my head:::
(and then a robot voice says:) Mac 'N Cheese!
...and we have yellow glow-sticks.
...I just had some Macaroni and Cheese last night. It was delicious. -However irrelevant.
So- on with this then; that would be some discomfort. It helps that I know exactly how that feels, too! Hahaha!
You're so silly! I dug this. I got where you were coming from and it was fun to read as well... I was a little confused regarding how to take the lines- I read them as a sort of funky-fresh pause. But I also read it like a Mad Libs; where I filled in the blanks. !lolful!
Keep on keeping on!
This write made me smile and feel a little sad at the same time. I liked the connection between feeling nauseous because of eating macaroni and cheese and feeling anxious about your relationship with the "you". I had no idea why you underscored, but then i read the description. I think that spacing added to the effect, in particular the last stanza. I dunno, creates that "nauseating" effect i suppose...
I really like the understatement in this poem. The way you don't describe the situation and horrid feeling using silly overdramatic imagery and angsty whineyness. But instead it's simple and sad. Sad and realistic and honest. Which is a very good thing, I think.
And that macaroni and cheese and chocolate milk... the best things, like love, are the worst to get sick on.
Oh there's one type I can see. It ought to be "too much macaroni".
Also, to be a bit nitpicky, I think maybe you could cut down the number of "and"s in the first two strophes slightly, because four seems a bit too many. Also, I think maybe you could polish "with this nausea" slightly because the "this" doesn't seem needed. But there feels like there ought to be a syllable there, so maybe an adjective descriping the nausea?
But that's just me being pedantic, because it really is a rather good poem.
This is an interesting comparison. I must say I havent read one like this before. I gotta tell ya that I love macaroni and cheese and I love chocolate milk too but for some reason the thought of them together is just kinda yucky!! I guess I just think soda goes better with food. Anyway, I know this feeling of eating too much and yes it is uncomfortable, in fact, it kinda sucks!!! And the way you tie it into a man and him being with another woman is clever! Nausea making out with anxiety is pretty unique too and this is a good write. I like what you did here. Nice job! Hope this isnt a personal write though cause that is a bummer.
ok first off, don't go writing about macaroni and cheese like its a bad thing, mmk? i love the stuff and would certainly never feel sick from eating too much of it. chocolate milk on the other hand....
but anyway, this is quite a clever write, going from food to relationship troubles in 4 stanzas is pretty snazzy, although quite random now that i think about, but that's what i like about your writes i wish my writes would flow so fluently without rhyming damn you!