and the ending got me...i always write most in November even though i find it the coldest, barest month...something about it feeling so in between seasons...like being in between love..
like faye dunaway's character in Three Days of Condor with robert redford..
there was a love scene...she a photographer..and one of her photographs above them on the wall..it was called November..
so appropriate to their relationship which was only temporary , in between her going back to her fiance and him to whereever..
such a mood you create here...
and the fourth stanza...feeling so barren...so lifeless like the bare trees in November.
I love it. I love it how it is, and I think it would be even better if you took AptPupils's advice. It made me think of what would happen if I broke up with my girlfriend. It really touched close to home with the silly codes line. I've written her a few poems with hidden codes that were all but in bold print and capitalized. It really spoke to me and that's why I like it.
I like this poem, though I don't know the inspiration you are noting. here's my critiques. in general first, the theme is good (as in, i don't love you anymore-very much). i think however that hesitancy, that hidden, cornered love can be noted a touch earlier, to make it, instead of a surprise ending, a rising sun, do you understand? i think foreshadowing will strengthen it.
Youíre a ghost in my memory
Donít you know
Even your letters no longer captivate me
Just your silly codes remain
But even those I will tire of
After they have driven me insane.
I don't know the codes reference, but ignoring it, I see what you mean in the last line, but it doesn't feel as astrong as the rest of the stanza to me. possibly because i don't know about the codes . . . the rythm needs to be evened out, right now the A-AB-B works, but since the syllable count isn't even between A's/B's, it feels awkward to me. lengthen out the first line, or shorten then 2nd/3rd maybe.
The other day
I thought of burning them
Just to see how it would feel
After I lit the match
I dropped them, stomped on them
ĎCuz the fire burned blazingly real.
shouldn't it be "After i lit each match" . . . you use them after, and I think that's a stronger image as well. other than that, this is my favrote stanza, because it's such a strong image, a lover attempting to burn the letters but being revolted byt he idea at the last second.
So Iíve resorted to folding them neatly
And tearing them
Every third of the way
In my hands was one from November
But I just couldnít do it today.
Why every third of the way? i know you need it for the ryhme, but it doesn't fit teh character, to meticulously tear them . . . at least to me. but it is of course your character hehe :-)
See how the pencil marks smudge,
And how the pen marks bleed?
Your words are vanishing
Little by little
Every time I give in to read.
What if you changed the last line to a denail? "Not that I bother to read" or somethign like that? because otherwise you create a metaphor that reading/loving slowly destroys itself, which seems to me quite the opposite of what this poem is about.
But donít you know
Youíre no longer a lover in my dreams
Iíve ceased calling out for you
Well - Once in a great between.
I like the halting speech in the last line, how about no peroid there? let the thought hang . . . it seems to trail off to me, so the punctuation should show it. or maybe an elipses . . . but it seems i'm the only one who likes them on this site. and maybe switch once for "save" or except.
A whole year has passed
Since I received your last letter
And though I stand frozen
In front of my mailbox
I am hopeful Ďcuz itís November.
i like this closing, though the same note about rythm applies, you need to equalize lngths between ryhmes if possible . . . and also, i'd give teh last line a few lines space, to really let it hit hard.
Wow. I can picture your face as I read this. It's very good. It reminds me of those songs like "put your records on," etc. I'm not really sure why. It's hard to forgot those things wanted and harder to remove their trace. The character in this seems as although she is over some unknown relationship between her and the other, or maybe the lack of a relationship, she has not yet sealed it. Or maybe she has, and her sub-concious is catching up with the world. The pain is evident in this poem. It was still a fun read. Especially the last line and it's hidden meaning.