Likes: It's Brevity, the curious pausing, halting, and disjointedness of the first stanza. I guess the smoother flow of the second contrasts and counterchecks the erratic quality of the first which gives the reader time to gain equilibrium.
I feel like you take the principles of discontinuity too far in this work. Maybe Pound would disagree that there is such a thing as too far, but I have to stand within the camp of partial concrete meaning. The lines are a step over my line of comfortability. Anyways, you don't have to write to please my sensibilities, and it still is an intriguing piece to think about and to ponder. I like how you progress in it from personal to abstract. More than this I don't have much to say.