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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Improvement dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: theman
    ASL Info:    21/m/mn
    Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 496/478/149
    Words: 204
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 797
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1506



    Description:
       On the very bottom is one of the first poem i ever wrote that was about 3 year ago and i wanted to see if I improved any. I tried to keep it on the same wavelentgh of the first one. So any comments would be very much appreciated. thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsImprovement dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Where you at
    Why Did you leave
    Leaving me as a infant
    Leaving nothing behind
    Living off the government
    Is this some type of punishment,
    For being a kid

    "Gone and forever Forgotten
    How can I remember something
    That never existed"

    17 year later
    8 different cell blocks
    To many suicide attempts to count
    Physically alive
    Emotionally died

    No amount of my tears
    Could make you a good father,
    I want you to be
    You want to understand
    dissect these tears

    "Gone and forever Forgotten
    How can I remember something
    That never existed"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Old Piece


    "My dad left me as a baby
    not even leaving me diapers
    see him later driving the viper
    I'm hyper
    Going as fast as type writer
    Need wipers to wipe these tears
    Got my fly clothes at Sears
    I have no peers
    So now listen here
    "My dad left me as a baby
    Not even leaving me diapers"
    "See him later driving the viper"
    I've been here 15 years
    want to fight me
    fight these tears
    death is near
    Why did you leave me with this queer
    Now 15 years later
    You wan to come here
    Just to learn my fears"




    Submitted on 2007-08-12 11:45:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      i like the first one alot but the second made sense but no sense? you had no peers????? everyone has peers. you may not like them but you do. I know your situation. my mom left me , all i had was my dad. he's sick right now , so he liet me go live with my boyfriend (drkromeo_89). someone that you thought (even as a an infant) loved you , left you hurts. i have so much anger from it and i feel that in your first poem . i loved it . keep ya head up high, because trust someone who knows, you dont need them.....

    keep up the good work.
    i hope to see more from you.


    * DrkRomeo_sGirl *
    | Posted on 2007-08-12 00:00:00 | by DrkRomeo_sGirl | [ Reply to This ]
      Your writing has definantly matured. In the second one, you try too hard to rhyme the words. But in the first one, you just let the words flow. I like both poems though, dont get me wrong. The first one almost sounds like it could be turned into lyrics. Just my opinion.

    Great job and keep it up, your writing is unique, don't ever change that.

    ~mysterious~
    | Posted on 2007-08-12 00:00:00 | by mysterious one | [ Reply to This ]


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