Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Eliminationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sunsetserenity
    ASL Info:    21/f
    Elite Ratio:    6.49 - 23/17/12
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 550
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1168



    Description:
       As I try not to hate, this emotion still conquers control over my heart concerning this particular situation.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEliminationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You cause the worst emotions to arise inside
    You cause earthquakes and tsunamis
    volcanos and hurricanes and floods

    You cause grief and disappointment
    confusion and discouragement
    hurt and distrust and bitterness.

    You prance into our presence
    making the perfect scene with the perfect
    dramatic effects

    And the perfect results
    of disarray
    remain as you prance out of sight

    You cause the worst emotions
    to rise inside and scream for attention
    Emotions I'd rather avoid

    Though I try to brush off your effect on me
    it opens ancient wounds
    and gives me a desire to eliminate.

    The desire strengthens within each moment
    spent wasted; trying
    to form another solution for this headache

    No other approach seems stable enough
    reliable; endurable... permanent.
    No other answer but to eliminate.

    You cause the worst emotions the arise inside
    You cause enmity and animosity
    anger and resentment and fury..

    And hatred.




    Submitted on 2007-08-13 02:34:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Overall I really liked this. It didn't feel too cliché, which is hard to do in an angry poem like this one, so I commend you for that.

    The first thing I noticed about this is a lack of punctuation. People don't realize it, but it really does help. It doesn't have to be perfect, but at least put a period after complete sentences. Quite honestly, I think it feels pretty weird without it.

    "Though I try to brush off your effect on me"

    This struck me as very cliché, and the rest of this poem shows me that you can do much better than that. Not only is that line over-done, but it doesn't seem as sophistocated vocabularywise as the rest of the piece.

    "Emotions I'd rather avoid"

    I also have an issue with this line. You've already told us that these emotions are "the worst." By that point in the piece, you've actually said it twice already. It seems obvious that you'd rather avoid them. I'd change this line completely. Maybe to say something about where those emotions are when not being stirred up by "You."

    Fix those lines, and I'd call this a pretty good poem.
    Kudos
    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2007-08-14 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    148010

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Live In Between written by teika5
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Dream written by closetpoet
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry