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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Eliminationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sunsetserenity
    ASL Info:    21/f
    Elite Ratio:    6.49 - 23/17/12
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 593
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1168



    Description:
       As I try not to hate, this emotion still conquers control over my heart concerning this particular situation.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEliminationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You cause the worst emotions to arise inside
    You cause earthquakes and tsunamis
    volcanos and hurricanes and floods

    You cause grief and disappointment
    confusion and discouragement
    hurt and distrust and bitterness.

    You prance into our presence
    making the perfect scene with the perfect
    dramatic effects

    And the perfect results
    of disarray
    remain as you prance out of sight

    You cause the worst emotions
    to rise inside and scream for attention
    Emotions I'd rather avoid

    Though I try to brush off your effect on me
    it opens ancient wounds
    and gives me a desire to eliminate.

    The desire strengthens within each moment
    spent wasted; trying
    to form another solution for this headache

    No other approach seems stable enough
    reliable; endurable... permanent.
    No other answer but to eliminate.

    You cause the worst emotions the arise inside
    You cause enmity and animosity
    anger and resentment and fury..

    And hatred.




    Submitted on 2007-08-13 02:34:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Overall I really liked this. It didn't feel too cliché, which is hard to do in an angry poem like this one, so I commend you for that.

    The first thing I noticed about this is a lack of punctuation. People don't realize it, but it really does help. It doesn't have to be perfect, but at least put a period after complete sentences. Quite honestly, I think it feels pretty weird without it.

    "Though I try to brush off your effect on me"

    This struck me as very cliché, and the rest of this poem shows me that you can do much better than that. Not only is that line over-done, but it doesn't seem as sophistocated vocabularywise as the rest of the piece.

    "Emotions I'd rather avoid"

    I also have an issue with this line. You've already told us that these emotions are "the worst." By that point in the piece, you've actually said it twice already. It seems obvious that you'd rather avoid them. I'd change this line completely. Maybe to say something about where those emotions are when not being stirred up by "You."

    Fix those lines, and I'd call this a pretty good poem.
    Kudos
    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2007-08-14 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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