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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One of Those Nightsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: pinurplepassion
    ASL Info:    24/f/somewhere in TX
    Elite Ratio:    5.92 - 165/146/17
    Words: 238
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1074
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1644



    Description:
       I don't know. Things just aint going so hot for me in the life and love department right now. It's weird, not great, but its the stuff that came out of me wittle head.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne of Those Nightsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She stands to watch him sleeping,
    And knows what she must do.
    The candle light surrounding her,
    A steely silver blue.
    A window open by the bed,
    The cold breeze licks her face,
    And caresses all the salty tears,
    Freezing them in place.

    Not another suicide,
    She won't be a statistic.
    He can't see all the pain inside,
    Somehow he must've missed it.
    She whispers out into the night,
    The words she'd like to say.
    She contemplates it one more time,
    And says, "No, not today."

    She takes a sip of vodka straight.
    Once more she looks towards him,
    And thinks of all the years she's spent,
    And how she can't afford them.
    One more whisper in the wind,
    "Can't do this anymore."
    She lightly puffs a cigarette,
    And sinks onto the floor.

    With bloodshot eyes, and tearstained cheeks,
    Head and back against the wall,
    She stops and thinks of days gone by.
    Oh, how well she can recall!
    Then suddenly the laughter starts,
    And she wildly shakes her head.
    And rustled from his sleep he slurs,
    "Hey, baby, come to bed."

    She sits there for a moment,
    In the silence of the dark,
    And recalls the very moment,
    When their friendship fell apart.
    She pulls herself onto the bed.
    They make love all night long.
    He awakes to find a note from her,
    That says, "I love you and I'm gone."




    Submitted on 2004-06-20 03:21:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is so extremely well written.. So vivid and clear, but clear only if you read between the lines. I can relate to several points...but I do agree that leaving with only a note is not the best way. It's the easiest yes. You might feel if he had wanted to talk that he would have "noticed" your discontent and joined you on the floor.. etc. But sometimes people do love us... just not in the way we want or need it. I "feel" a lot while reading this. The heart-sick, hopeless feeling that things just won't ever get any better...the love that once was, yet seems lost forever. Needing so much more than he's giving.. and so on.
    Very well written.

    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      seems like a dark love poem to me. hmm. alot of picture details. throughout the entire writing i could picture everything. lovely.
    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
      hm. i liked the flow, i enjoyed the rhyme, but i didn't like the ending. if they're friendship has fallen apart, then how can she write "i love you"? annnnnnnnd, i don't think you should use "make love"...from what you've said about the two of them i'd think they're just going thru the motions, or maybe a last desperate grasp at something that used to be, but i wouldn't call it "making love".
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      you wrote a scene that I can see happening behind a lot of closed doors in a lot of failed relationships... I hope this poem makes it out there to the one sleeping on the relationship, to wake up and join on the floor,to talk before the goodbye sex happens. well writen..........
    | Posted on 2005-02-24 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]
      is this what happened between you and the amazing idiot? because if it is there are selveral unused acres behind grandpas. anyhoo very nice. very aptly shows how low we can fall yet still pull ourselves out of the black hole. question tho why do you always seem to write along this line?
    | Posted on 2004-06-27 00:00:00 | by Georgia Gurl | [ Reply to This ]
      Don't ask me why, but this piece really reminds me of a Johnny Cash song. I think you're old enough to know who he is.
    You make really good use of your rhyme scheme, made it worth reading throughout...although the letter she left would leave any man really confused...despite everything else forementioned.
    *scratches head*
    MyX
    | Posted on 2004-07-10 00:00:00 | by MyX | [ Reply to This ]
      The linear straight foreward storytelling here was refreshing. It kind of paints this picture of a scene playing out. I even started to form opinions on the characters I was reading about. To me she is a coward for leaving without any closure. I mean I think you owe the man at least one last talk and explanation. That shows a lack of respect which just solidifies the age old saying that it takes 2 people to mess up a relationship.
    | Posted on 2004-06-20 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      Thar was absolutely incredible. The emotion that you brought out in each and every line was so strong, it totally blew me away. I loved all of the vivid desciptions you used, and the rhyme scheme worked well. The last four lines were amazing, keep up the great work!..this one's going right to my favs.
    | Posted on 2004-06-20 00:00:00 | by Babysweet56 | [ Reply to This ]
      i have to agree with extantpoet, this is like a snapshot of reality. I really liked the line,
    'Not another suicide,
    She won't be a statistic.'
    I don't know why, maybe because it thought it would be suicide right off the bat. Good work!
    | Posted on 2004-06-20 00:00:00 | by Elegy | [ Reply to This ]


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