[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Sans Snakesdots

    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 230/393/145
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1132
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 796

       A different style than I normally do.
    I've got Christianity, Greek Mythology, and physics in here. Awesome.
    Suggestions for a better title welcome (read: pleaded for). I'm horrible with them.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSans Snakesdots

    Red apples
    or perhaps golden
    knowledge being the only

    color regardless, they grew
    in size and potency
    big as brains
    realization bubbling
    beneath the skin
    as they tugged
    on the mother's hair
    and she showed homage
    to gentle Gaia

    but we're mixing theologies

    They grew
    brushing the tips
    of tall wheat
    no mother was ever
    so long burdened

    at last
    they pried themselves
    from life and limb
    and fell

    no heavy
    sleeping head

    erudition splattering
    like heavy rain
    on concrete


    Submitted on 2007-08-13 23:55:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Ah, I see. The apples each had the potential to inspire a dozing Newton, but none was there. The title threw me at first because it made me think you were talking about snakes instead of apples. I definitely think you should change it, if only to something simple like 'The Apples'; titles don't always have to be clever. Or something about knowledge, since that's what the apples represent in both christianity and physics (I know very little about Greek mythology).

    The only part where the flow of this seems slightly off is in the first verse:

    "knowledge being the only

    as the thoughts before and after this phrase match up in meaning (both about the color of the apples) and these three lines interrupt that and stop the poem progressing as well as it could, imo.

    This is another great descriptive piece from you, which is also multi-layered (I read it three times and found something new each time) and deeply thought-provoking. Well done. And yay for physics in poetry!

    T x
    | Posted on 2007-08-14 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]