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Author: Jingles
ASL Info:    19.m.canada
Elite Ratio:    2.08 - 18 /60 /36
Words: 136
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1353
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 935


Its pretty self explanitory.
I was thinking about my ex.
9 months gone.
And I had a breakdown...
And started crying and writing..
Id like youre opinions...I havent thought about her in a long time.


Eyes slowly open
On with the day.
I put on my smile
And pretend Im ok.
None of you know
None of you see.
The misery slowly eating at me.

Why can't I forget you?
Why can't I move on?
I can only pretend
To hang on for so long.
I still see you're smile
I still smell you're hair.
These memories haunt me
It's not FUCKING fair.

You're moving on
I'm left in the dark.
Sitting here,drinking
Alone in this park.
I should drop this vodka
And walk away.
And prepare to let my smile fade.

Eyes slowly close
Im kissing you're lips.
Hugging you tightly
My hands on you're hips.
I leave reality behind
And all the tears to.
Because until the day I die.
Im gonna dream of you.

Submitted on 2007-08-17 06:39:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I liked this up to the third stanza, which has a good sense of an ending. This stanza has a Dr. Seuss quality to it, which breaks the sentimentality and makes the lines:

"Sitting here,drinking
Alone in this park."

ironically funny. Because all lovesickness has its laughs. I don't know if that's what you intended, but it's there and it's worth keeping.

You have a good sense of rhythm, but the rhyming couplets you favor often get in the way of the emotion you're conveying. You should try something without rhyme ... blank verse or free verse ... or with occasional rhyme ... and experiment with broken rhythm.

| Posted on 2010-03-10 00:00:00 | by VegetativeBody | [ Reply to This ]
  aww i love this! usually it seems like guys are soulless and have no heart, but in this poem it proves that it's really all just a front. if you love her enough and she's worth it, chase her. that's probably all that she wants. this was a great poem. i look forward to reading more.
</3 lisa
| Posted on 2008-02-08 00:00:00 | by 777sacrites777 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is deep! And I'm sorry you had to go through such thing! I know it's hard been there done that! My fave part would have to be I'm left in the dark.
Sitting here,drinking
Alone in this park.
Not the best way to cope but I would certainly do the same..I love the whole thing your really talented! And I hope things get better and trust me it will get better and you do move on no matter how hard it is to move!

| Posted on 2007-08-20 00:00:00 | by Hip-Hop Honey | [ Reply to This ]

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