Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Samdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jeniffer
    ASL Info:    18/f/earth
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 240/279/81
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1105
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1366



    Description:
       This is based on a real person and a real place; it was what I call a 'momentary crush', when it's someone I don't know, can't get very close to, don't speak with, and only see once; but something about them is interesting, and they sort of take on this life in my imagination.

    I don't know, it seems a little...choppy and stiff, at worst. And I'm not sure if that's the correct use of 'overture'. I think an overture is orchestral, and I meant a musical theme on the piano.

    Tell me if you get it or not...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSamdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The blackness of the stage floor
    Against the shape of your wrists
    White shirt, sleeves rolled up
    Hands in black pockets
    Blue eyes wonder over the rows
    As you converse with an audience member
    Your voice lost in the din

    The back of your curly head
    Shoulders broad but slim
    It must have been the music you played
    As the theater filled up
    And lights went down

    They said you made up the overture
    that matched the play so well
    only the stage was lit
    and I couldn't see your hands
    dance over the keys

    When the play was over,
    I wish I had talked to you
    But it was a space to big to cross
    We found our friends, still in their costumes
    and exchanged long time, no sees

    I bent down next to the stroller,
    My little brother popped open the hood
    Library books came tumbling at your feet

    You helped me pick them up
    It was too perfect an opportunity to act on
    I had to ignore you
    But boldly I said
    ‘Thanks’

    You moved on, unaware
    Of a stranger’s affinity

    After awhile you left
    My disappointment made no sense
    Given a million chances
    I probably never would have spoke.




    Submitted on 2007-08-18 18:29:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "A space to big to cross" should have the "too" with two "o"s. And "spoke" at the end should be "spoken." Minor errors.

    Overture may or may not be used as a term meaning general music for a performance, though I've only seen it done rarely. It can include but is not limited to piano accompaniment, so I think you probably used it correctly.

    I sort of think I've been in the same kind of situation in the past, when you see a face or hear a voice that makes you wonder who the heck THAT was and wish you had the time or courage to talk to them. Weirdest incident that I've ever encountered: I was at the New Year's celebration a couple years back with my family (Disney World, Florida, in case you were wondering) and the fireworks had just finished. We were on our way out through this ridiculous crowd (it took nearly two hours to reach the parking lot) when I saw this girl a few feet away. She was looking me right in the eye and smiling as if she wanted to say something. To this day I have no idea who she was, but I still can't forget what she looked like.

    Really weird. I haven't thought of that in quite a while.

    In any case, nice job on this. It's always a good sign if a poem makes someone think about things they don't usually. In fact, I'm tempted to say it's the whole point.

    --crimson

    P.S. Sorry once again that I took so long, but I told you about the workload I've developed in the past week, so I hope you won't hold it against me too much.
    | Posted on 2007-08-31 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I think you captured the feeling very well. This has a lilting to it that can only be compared to the sense and exhilaration of admiring someone from afar.
    You never really get too personal or over the top gushy for or about him...which is good considering he is no more then a passing fleet of fancy. I do like the way you some what leave it open for the thought of more to happen if maybe he had stepped into the light.

    deadndreaming once told me I had a knack for
    'real slice of life feeilng' in my work...snapshots of time. I feel that here in your smooth flow from awareness to senses...from visual to heart. Like so :


    The blackness of the stage floor
    Against the shape of your wrists

    that right there glides from seeing it...to feeling it and all I have to say is Nicely done...in fact BEAUTIFUL.
    You have a style that reminds me of girlinthephoto, one of my favorite writers from this site...I miss her here so.
    It is oh so refreshing to find new talent so young taking the steps others have forgotten to walk (or choose not to).

    I truly enjoyed this read...Thank you and no nit picks from me on this one ; )
    | Posted on 2007-08-18 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    148234

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    The World written by jjd
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Keep written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry