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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Subtle Steps By The Cliff-facedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Predator
    ASL Info:    21/m/Derbyshire, England
    Elite Ratio:    7.02 - 257/198/73
    Words: 146
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 899
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 901



    Description:
       


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    dotsSubtle Steps By The Cliff-facedots
    -------------------------------------------


    A single set of footsteps on a forgotten beach
    And a light reaching out from the distance
    A wish…wash…silent wish
    And the waves…

    The people fall from the clifftops
    Transfixed by the rocks and lonely footprints
    And the waters crumple beneath them
    And the waves…

    The campfires keep burning the night
    Their embers glow, drawing-in the passing ships
    - scattered wooden shells on the beach
    To feed the flames

    And the waves…

    But I’m still swimming
    Watching the children laugh as they play in the sea
    The tide lapping in the moonlight
    And the waves pull them under




    Submitted on 2007-08-19 11:52:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      First, this is one of the saddest poems I've read in awhile. It's down right depressing....very fitting as I think the sea can be a lonely and depressing place.

    Now as for the lay out I think you could cut back on some of the words/lines without losing any of the meaning or feeling. In fact the change would have the opposite effect.
    Less is more...but let me admit to being a minimalist so really the choice is personal.

    I love love love the water....it clouds most of my work in one way or another, so this some what drew me in.
    I really liked the way you brought the waves in over and over...only I was hoping for something different before hand...like so:

    The people fall from the clifftops
    Transfixed by the rocks and lonely footprints
    And the waves crumple beneath them
    And the waves…

    Maybe instead of saying
    and the waves crumple beneath them you could say the water crumples beneath them...something like that...and cliff top is two words I think not one.

    All and all though this piece has merit and style not to mention a chill to it the somewhat sits at the top of your spine trickling down with eerie affect.

    What I'm trying to say is good job with the chill.
    | Posted on 2007-08-20 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]


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