Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Humandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 572
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 677



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHumandots
    -------------------------------------------


    Booth-sequestered--
    not out of some deep-seeded need
    for a Father figure
    or the desire to confess fabrications
    purely for the sake of humbleness,

    but simply because
    I had never done it
    before--

    I pressed a hand
    divinely pale
    against the rusting iron
    and whispered
    about love,
    hugging strangers in the street,
    the smell of stars on hot summer nights,
    the sound of the world turning
    and turning
    into something
    beautiful...

    and felt aged fingertips,
    my own,
    brush against the grail
    from the other side.




    Submitted on 2007-08-19 17:05:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ooh, I like it. I love the simple explaination about simply having never done it before - A very good reason to take all sorts of romantic risks, in my opinion.
    I'm intrigued by the line "The smell of stars on hot summer nights," I'm not entirely sure I 'get it' but it reminds me of a night last summer when I lay in the grass staring at the stars with my boyfriend, and he said "doesn't it smell like summer to you?"
    That said, I think this is a good write but could use some clarification. The "aged fingertips" from the other side being "[your] own" doesnt quite make sense to me. I had assumed it to be literal, but maybe I'm just being stupid. Anyway, it's very .. erm.. 'sensory', and I like that. With just a few adjustments this will be excellent.
    | Posted on 2007-08-19 00:00:00 | by jinx | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    148266

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Linger written by saartha
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Fasade written by jackz
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    One Day written by WriteSomething
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    descent written by TheBadSadMan

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry