It's the same story. I've been in this room before. I've sat and watched these two people interact...connect in a way that sends sparks flying through the air, pausing only to singe me, the innocent bystander. Wait, no...it wasn't these two people. It was her, and some other guy. It seems the same, though. I find a fascinating person and try to be friends with them, and they are fascinated by her. I'm not bitter. Okay, maybe a little. But I've seen this happen before. I swear, I've been here. In this very situation. I was fascinated byt this new friend...and he was fascinated by my beautiful, intelligent sister.
I hate feeling this way. I love her beyond measure. But I feel as if I've always lived in her shadow. She's always been the beautiful one. I used to contend myself with being the brain, but I think now, she has surpassed me. In a way, anyhow. She knows all these things about dimensions and subconsciousness and shit. I know about movies and music and writers and spelling and I pay attention to the things that other people do, so I always know what's going on. But no one cares about those things. They want to explore her mind. No one pays attention to mine.
So, I sit in this room, sipping my drink, and smoke one Marlboro Light after another. The only time I'm really given any notice is when I fail to play a song that coincides with what they want. Then they notice me. Every once in a while, I play a stupid song just to get a little attention. I like the way he looks at me sometimes. It pisses me off. I don't need to like that, particularly since he seems to be developing a slight infatuation with her. Which is pointless, of course. She is committed to her boy.
"What's your most embarrassing moment?" he asks. She answers, and I continue the game by asking what his is. He answers, looking at her, and they skip to another topic. No one asks me. It's petty, but I wanted to be acknowledged. Is that so wrong?
I don't like feeling this way. I actually hate being this petty and childish, and insecure. I am a grown woman, I don't need to feel like this. How do I stop it?