Hide and Seek You -------------------------------------------
Your disappearing is because
I’ve been blinded by the sunlight
And my eyes have been shut
But when I open them again
You’ll be in front of me smiling
Asking me what took me so long.
I’ve opened them but you’re gone
Maybe you’re playing hide and seek
And I am to capture my beloved
But I am searching so desperately
Thinking you’re so good at this game
But I don’t want to become the loser.
I’ve looked underneath all rocks
And twirled around every plant
But you’ve vanished from sight
No sound of laughter is in the air.
I surrender my inability to find you
But still I don’t see your loving face.
I’m panicking outrageously everywhere
Unable to think of the next logical move,
And I’m shivering thinking of the worst
That I couldn’t save you from this fate
But then I wake from my sleep once again
Realizing I can’t bring back the dead.
You don't uncover the secret for us until the ending and then a sigh of sadness begins. And I feel a sense of being haunted by a love passed.
I think in the first strophe i would change one word:
Your disappearance is because
I’ve been blinded by the sunlight
And my eyes have been shut
But when I open them again
You’ll be in front of me smiling
Asking me what took me so long.
I love this because you've followed someone into the light
and it hints ever so slightly toward the ending. Nice!
Eyes opened, but you’re gone
Maybe you’re playing hide and seek
And I am to capture my beloved
But I am searching so desperately
Thinking you’re so good at this game
But I don’t want to become the loser.
I tripped on the first line here and think it would aid the reader to know "what" you have opened. Suffice to say that I liked being led on and caught in the mystery and that hint makes sense to me.
Such small things too Irina, it's a dauntng write from beginning to end, thanks for sharing,
I like how you kept the reader guessing and then in the last stanza you give the reader a jolt of reality and wake them up.
How often I have had dreams of my father and they were so real to me. I awake and find that it has been nothing but a dream.
The hide and seek game is a nice touch and followed along. I think I realized what was happening in the 3rd stanza because there was no finding this person you were looking for. I thought they were probably passes but I didn't realize it was a dream until the end.
I only have a few nit picks and they are minor.
I’m panicking outrageously everywhere
1st line last stanza. Seems be a bit much when using Outragously everywhere. It gives a feel of being over dramitic and makes the reader stop and reread the line again. I don't think it fits.
Hide and seek is a childs game and when you use words that only an adult uses tends to take away from the believablity of this write.
Now all that being said I think that you have done a good job here.
Hm... there's several things that I really enjoy in a piece, the metered flow of a classical verse that just rolls off the tongue is one, another is the plainspeak poetry that tells a concrete story, perhaps playful, perhaps not, but still its' just meaningful and riddled with colloquialisms and captures the english spoken today, the third is the ethereal poetry that draws from abstractions and unique metaphors and conveys something profound through it's language. These are the styles that appeal to me, and this piece doesn't really capture any of them and so I find it somewhat lacking. I think if you wrote it in a more casual style, the plainspeak language would aid in the profundity of the piece. Perhaps this reads more like a letter, personal and meaningful to you, but that doesn't make it very meaningful to me. The last lines are cool, kinda throwing a twist into the poem, but still none of the lines popped or caused me to pause in the depth or richness of them. And lines like
"But I am searching so desperately " turn me off to the piece. I might add more but i gotta go now. Anyways, it's a good idea that needs work.
Submission Name: Hide and Seek You
