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    dots Submission Name: Copper thorndots

    Author: poppi
    Elite Ratio:    7.47 - 72/55/37
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 1191
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 464


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    dotsCopper thorndots

    I have a thorn in my side
    And now thereís a whole
    My stitches are coming undone
    And you can see,
    Iím not made of gold
    Tarnished copper, is all that I am
    Throw me away
    Like every other penny,
    Youíve used, youíve abused
    I understand
    If you donít love me anymore
    The thorn in my side will just,
    Dig a little deeper
    And my stitches, my stitches
    Will forever remain sore

    Submitted on 2007-08-20 20:31:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      mmm... so-so. typo I think in the second line -hole not whole. the personification of an object I like, but the overall presentation is not that personal and not very much related to the object. It'd be better to describe the feelings of the object as it goes through something that is does go through, like how a penny is viewed as worthless and if dropped oftentimes not even picked up, and use that penny as the complete metaphor for the story. This kinda jumps back and forth between you bing a penny or something else, overall just like I said so-so. It's a good attempt and moving in the right direction, but needs more work.
    | Posted on 2007-08-21 00:00:00 | by yonkit | [ Reply to This ]

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