Copper thorn by poppi

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Submission Name: Copper thorn dots

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Author:	poppi
Elite Ratio:	7.47 - 72/55/37
Words:	73

Class/Type:	Poetry/Sorry
Total Views:	1191
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	464

Description:

Copper thorn dots

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I have a thorn in my side
And now there’s a whole
My stitches are coming undone
And you can see,
I’m not made of gold
Tarnished copper, is all that I am
Throw me away
Like every other penny,
You’ve used, you’ve abused
I understand
If you don’t love me anymore
The thorn in my side will just,
Dig a little deeper
And my stitches, my stitches
Will forever remain sore

Submitted on 2007-08-20 20:31:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
mmm... so-so. typo I think in the second line -hole not whole. the personification of an object I like, but the overall presentation is not that personal and not very much related to the object. It'd be better to describe the feelings of the object as it goes through something that is does go through, like how a penny is viewed as worthless and if dropped oftentimes not even picked up, and use that penny as the complete metaphor for the story. This kinda jumps back and forth between you bing a penny or something else, overall just like I said so-so. It's a good attempt and moving in the right direction, but needs more work.
| Posted on 2007-08-21 00:00:00 | by yonkit | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.