I agree with the others on punctuation. If used in this piece it needs to be consistant and used only when absolutly needed. i love how the day begins with hope and ends with peace-what more could you want? As for the writing style-i need to read more of your work in order to comment on that.
This is fairly nice. I dont like it as much as I did the other two, but it still called to me some.
As for the punctuation, yes, I think punctuation is fine in a poem, just be consistant, and like the previous person said, be careful where it is.
" There was[n't] enough today"
the brackets there make the line for me, but I also feel that if you are going to have periods in some spots, you need one here too, or an elipse. Either way it would be fine.
"Look into my eyes
if you want to see
a blind man's dream,
presented in pitch and black."
Like this stanza, I like, a lot...the way it sounds to me, the way the words flow together, but have just the slightest (irony?) discordance, makes me love this stanza for the most part
the only thing i wonder about, slightly, is "...pitch and black."
i dont know if there should be an and there, but i tried it in my head without it, and I cant tell which would be better
Once again, I think you have a blooming talent that will be amazing and classic in a year or two
you have an original style, and thats a big part of it. I know I cant really say anything about talent though, mine is still maturing too, so I might not be the best of help.
I think punctuation is fine for the poem, but you need to be careful WHERE you use the punctuation. Treat it like you would a normal sentence. For example-- you wouldn't write 'I, went to the, store today.' You don't need a comma at the end of each line. I'd suggest going through this and taking out all of the unnecessary punctuation.