Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Did You Have Enough Today?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Keiran
    ASL Info:    20/M/NZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.64 - 40/47/33
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 746
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 885



    Description:
       Thoughts on whether punctuation was a good idea in this piece?

    ~Keiran~


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDid You Have Enough Today?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The smell of despair
    is thick in the air,
    today.

    I think I just woke,
    no nightmare of mine
    ever started this badly.

    If there's enough hope at the start

    Look into my eyes
    if you want to see
    a blind man's dream,
    presented in pitch and black.

    A fool follows a wiseman into the sea
    looking for pearls of wisdom,
    and if the wiseman drowns
    he'll start looking for oysters again.

    Then there's peace at the end

    I miss my troubles
    like I miss my mother.
    Maybe that's a bit harsh,
    my troubles were always there for me.

    There was[n't] enough today




    Submitted on 2007-08-21 16:10:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with the others on punctuation. If used in this piece it needs to be consistant and used only when absolutly needed. i love how the day begins with hope and ends with peace-what more could you want? As for the writing style-i need to read more of your work in order to comment on that.

    ~orange
    | Posted on 2007-09-14 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]
      This is fairly nice. I dont like it as much as I did the other two, but it still called to me some.

    As for the punctuation, yes, I think punctuation is fine in a poem, just be consistant, and like the previous person said, be careful where it is.
    For instance,

    " There was[n't] enough today"

    the brackets there make the line for me, but I also feel that if you are going to have periods in some spots, you need one here too, or an elipse. Either way it would be fine.

    "Look into my eyes
    if you want to see
    a blind man's dream,
    presented in pitch and black."

    Like this stanza, I like, a lot...the way it sounds to me, the way the words flow together, but have just the slightest (irony?) discordance, makes me love this stanza for the most part
    the only thing i wonder about, slightly, is "...pitch and black."
    i dont know if there should be an and there, but i tried it in my head without it, and I cant tell which would be better

    Once again, I think you have a blooming talent that will be amazing and classic in a year or two
    you have an original style, and thats a big part of it. I know I cant really say anything about talent though, mine is still maturing too, so I might not be the best of help.

    But keep it up!
    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-09-04 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      I think punctuation is fine for the poem, but you need to be careful WHERE you use the punctuation. Treat it like you would a normal sentence. For example-- you wouldn't write 'I, went to the, store today.' You don't need a comma at the end of each line. I'd suggest going through this and taking out all of the unnecessary punctuation.
    | Posted on 2007-08-22 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    148363

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry