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    dots Submission Name: Once upon a dreamdots

    Author: forestspirit
    ASL Info:    21/m/inside
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 58/45/27
    Words: 243
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1082
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1650

       It was a written in quite a short time but then I did not know how to alter it. So, I decided to post it anyways. It took me about 20 days to decided whether i should post it or not... sigh...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOnce upon a dreamdots

    She spread her wings; conquered the stars
    Rode from here and from there,
    Broke free and flew away from the bars
    The soothsayer; a rendezvous here.

    She wove a great big snare
    The gypsy man caught; awaits two years.
    Trapped within the fixating stare
    With nothing to lose and countless tears.

    She cast "an" enchanting spells
    Of beauty and magic with blood smears
    The chiming of music and tolling of bells
    A new beginning foreseen by the lone seer.

    He walked a thousand leagues into an unknown
    Wielding a blade; power wrought steels.
    Crossed the valley with peril sown
    The only guidance; nature's given skills.

    She flew; soared through the sky.
    Sought for the seer within her dreams
    Traveled over mountains with wings to fly
    Sitting and weeping by numerous streams.

    He fought his way through; tilted, the dragon's bane
    Running from a past full of misty whims.
    He might have been beyond what people call sane,
    She sought the moon man; she saw i her dreams.

    The sun flared bright, the stars glowing dim
    The princess of the stars arriving at the scene.
    The sun bowed her head, she glowed bright and prim.
    The prima-dona of the celestial kingdom is seen.

    With regal bearing and her wings spread out wide
    She glided through life; riding the wind's tide.
    To find him waiting by the stream's side
    Mounting the sooth sayer's mount, they begin their ride.

    Submitted on 2007-08-22 02:40:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The poem is indeed very dreamlike, but one peeve I may have is that the metre is very, very disconnected and almost disturbing to read. I'd suggest that the first thing you alter should be the rhyme scheme, and fix the syllable count.

    she saw i her dreams. Should that be an "in"?
    She cast "an" enchanting spells. An enchanting spell, or a enchanting spell. I propose the former in that context.
    power wrought steels. "Steel".
    prima-dona. "Donna" has two ns.
    Now that I'm done with that, let's go on to what I enjoyed about this piece.

    Firstly, the backdrop is quite visually enjoyable, lovely mountains and streams and basically wild jungle, as you've tried to portray in the piece. However the two protagonists, most notably the "gypsy man" is he a warrior or a soothsayer? I'm thoroughly confused, but even dreams should try and make some semblance of sense. (Ha! Alliteration!) I like the woman's wings though. It gives that sense of liberty from the world, hey, everyone's wanted to fly some time in their lives.

    Thanks for the read, cheers
    | Posted on 2007-09-23 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      The poem has a fantastic landscape, like your poems usually do. It goes back to that era of myth and magic and in this one, the female character is quite strongly portrayed. That too is your trademark feature and it is quite impressive. Unlike usual however, I think the storyline here is pretty clear.

    I liked the first two stanzas. It had a very enigmatic air to it, and as introduction it was very well done. The second stanza was a little confusing. I didn't understand why the gypsy man awaits two years. I also found the gypsy man caught a little contradictory with the rest of the poem. Clear me out.

    I don't prefer words which sound similar repeating too close, "prim. The prima-dona" and then "Rode from *here and from there,
    Broke free and flew away from the bars
    The soothsayer; a rendezvous *here" and then "Mounting the sooth sayer's mount." If you could come up with an alternative, then I think it would sound better.

    That's that for now. Later will be after now.
    | Posted on 2007-09-04 00:00:00 | by fiery whisper | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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