Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Private Partsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sun
    ASL Info:    18/m/tn
    Elite Ratio:    3.39 - 43/54/14
    Words: 217
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 809
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1525



    Description:
       i know i male but i thought this would be an interesting aproach for me. im not female and not as young as the girl in this write. a good way to practice the point of view idea.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPrivate Partsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    heavy breathing.
    in...out...in...out...
    it hurts...it hurts so much.
    the truth...the lies... the memories of him
    inside me. he's a bad man... he shouldnt
    touch me there.
    such a bad man.

    im sick now.
    my stomache...
    sick now
    on the floor...
    in my room.
    mr. snuffles stares at me.
    stuffed animals are staring at me.
    they know im dirty...
    sick on the floor.

    close my eyes...
    when he comes.
    remember the place...
    i was before.
    when i come back
    i'll feel better.
    he'll be gone
    forever.

    The sun is warm on my face
    i look up at it
    as the tall grass
    brushes my body.
    I am peaceful
    here in this place
    free from sin
    a pure innocent
    girl again.
    the warmth
    the lazy breeze
    in my hair.
    the swaying of the earth
    rocks me to sleep.

    Eyes open wide
    on the floor again.
    the sickness is gone.
    hatred overwhelms me.
    unclothed and no longer ashame
    i look for the blade
    that kept me so quiet before.

    i watch as the metal submerges
    his pale flesh.
    a twist...
    a muffled noise...
    the gurggle of blood
    and death from his throat.

    this will keep daddy quiet now
    as i lay on the floor
    sick and alone
    and dirty




    Submitted on 2007-08-22 15:21:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      it's a bit...literal. the beauty of poetry is that you can say something without actually saying it at all. i admire the in-your-face rawness of this, but it reads a bit like a story. i guess there's not really much left to the imagination of the reader.
    i hope this helps. i'm kind of rusty at this.
    | Posted on 2007-08-22 00:00:00 | by Lunablue | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    148409

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry