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that girl who one day was just gone

Author: LameMansTerms
ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713 /1012 /165
Words: 284
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1436
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 1861


title isn't my fav--I don't think at least just yet or not or whatever--so this is about my dog and how much he loves peanut butter and pancakes

that girl who one day was just gone

despite all the things I said
I bite down as I force them down
what's right when every thing's dead?
I write cause my wrongs came round
what I wrote was a joke,
about someone I never found.

but what was meant was nothing
nothing like in this song-

too simple-for words to come full circle
then again something went so wrong
a friend -I'll forever refer to as "that girl"

I never thought it
but we fought about it
why I don't know
maybe one day
we'll both grow!
Till then, now and again
we may surface
just to breathe
and with each breath it's said...
some simply can't give
what some people need.

I thought that this made me feel so right
I thought that thist felt so fucking right
communication, we were so on
come home to find devastation
-yeah she was gone-just gone

a writers words never mean much
unless your talking to the one whose hearts you want to touch
a thousand hands with one voice
our demands still left you a choice
but what you decided-
and the others you confided in
you lied and we died that night

this writers write is aimed at your heart
point blank-no thanks-for ripping me apart
from the beginning to the end and back to the start
one day this pain will stop
I know
I'll thank the cop

Most of these words will soon be absurd
to you and the world
unheard like the ears they just fell on
and you my friend I will forever refer to as "that girl"
who like these words, one day, just gone


Submitted on 2007-08-23 05:17:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  a writers words never mean much
unless your talking to the one whose hearts you want to touch

How true this is; I've thought this many times, and wondered what the hell I was doing writing sometimes. Hearts are fickle, dangerous beasts.

'That girl'... I've seen many of those, and literally palpitated. But after a while, they all fade until forgotten, unlike love which is timeless and real. Or maybe I'm just a soppy romantic in a world of hookers and leeches. I don't know anymore. I don't think I ever did.

Are these lyrics for your punk band? They're catchy.

Nice to read you, Mike.

| Posted on 2007-11-13 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  Overall this was pretty good. I have three suggestions though.

Don't refer to being a writer so often. It's ok to mention it, but it seemed like you had trouble staying on track. Sometimes it was about the writer, sometimes it was about the girl. It felt really jumbled.

I don't particularly like the title. I think it's a bit too long, but that's just me.

"I bite down as I force them down"

I think that line would be better if you found a way to rewrite it without saying down twice.

This could be really goood with some polishing.
Keep writing
| Posted on 2007-08-25 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]

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