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    dots Submission Name: that girl who one day was just gonedots

    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 284
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1173
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1861

       title isn't my fav--I don't think at least just yet or not or whatever--so this is about my dog and how much he loves peanut butter and pancakes

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthat girl who one day was just gonedots

    despite all the things I said
    I bite down as I force them down
    what's right when every thing's dead?
    I write cause my wrongs came round
    what I wrote was a joke,
    about someone I never found.

    but what was meant was nothing
    nothing like in this song-

    too simple-for words to come full circle
    then again something went so wrong
    a friend -I'll forever refer to as "that girl"

    I never thought it
    but we fought about it
    why I don't know
    maybe one day
    we'll both grow!
    Till then, now and again
    we may surface
    just to breathe
    and with each breath it's said...
    some simply can't give
    what some people need.

    I thought that this made me feel so right
    I thought that thist felt so fucking right
    communication, we were so on
    come home to find devastation
    -yeah she was gone-just gone

    a writers words never mean much
    unless your talking to the one whose hearts you want to touch
    a thousand hands with one voice
    our demands still left you a choice
    but what you decided-
    and the others you confided in
    you lied and we died that night

    this writers write is aimed at your heart
    point blank-no thanks-for ripping me apart
    from the beginning to the end and back to the start
    one day this pain will stop
    I know
    I'll thank the cop

    Most of these words will soon be absurd
    to you and the world
    unheard like the ears they just fell on
    and you my friend I will forever refer to as "that girl"
    who like these words, one day, just gone


    Submitted on 2007-08-23 05:17:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      a writers words never mean much
    unless your talking to the one whose hearts you want to touch

    How true this is; I've thought this many times, and wondered what the hell I was doing writing sometimes. Hearts are fickle, dangerous beasts.

    'That girl'... I've seen many of those, and literally palpitated. But after a while, they all fade until forgotten, unlike love which is timeless and real. Or maybe I'm just a soppy romantic in a world of hookers and leeches. I don't know anymore. I don't think I ever did.

    Are these lyrics for your punk band? They're catchy.

    Nice to read you, Mike.

    | Posted on 2007-11-13 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall this was pretty good. I have three suggestions though.

    Don't refer to being a writer so often. It's ok to mention it, but it seemed like you had trouble staying on track. Sometimes it was about the writer, sometimes it was about the girl. It felt really jumbled.

    I don't particularly like the title. I think it's a bit too long, but that's just me.

    "I bite down as I force them down"

    I think that line would be better if you found a way to rewrite it without saying down twice.

    This could be really goood with some polishing.
    Keep writing
    | Posted on 2007-08-25 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]

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