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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Gray Matterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sun
    ASL Info:    18/m/tn
    Elite Ratio:    3.39 - 43/54/14
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Deep Thought/Dark
    Total Views: 792
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1392



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGray Matterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    on the cold floor of this concrete room
    i rest in solitude,
    tracing the cracks in the tiles so soft,
    as i listen to the dripping water.

    The pounding of my heart and
    the war drums of liquid
    beating the ground
    drives me deeper into insanity.

    an ominous light fills the room
    i rest in nakedness
    waiting
    begging for my life to be over.

    calculating, remembering, feeling
    the world around me. sensing
    every tangible object and strategically
    placing them in my nightmares.

    night and day allude me.
    time freezes.
    the complexity overwhelms me.
    and the darkness clouds my logic.

    my mind wonders
    through the fabric
    of the universe
    so pure.

    im lost to the memory of visions past
    i cant watch them die again.
    i cant watch myself die again.
    but nobody believes in prophesy.

    another dose will do the trick.
    the doctors here are so nice.
    sleep again. what a treat.
    its been some time now

    since my last nightmare.

    most people use only 10 percent
    of their brain.
    the rest is gray matter.
    i wish i were most people.

    i wish i had this...
    gray matter.





    Submitted on 2007-08-23 14:30:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I wholeheartedly disagree with the person who said this wasn't a deep thought.
    | Posted on 2007-11-27 00:00:00 | by paintingangels | [ Reply to This ]
      This is one incrediby powerful write
    For some reason this write instantly draws me back to 5 years ago when I was battling an incredibly hard battle with Crystal Meth
    Thank God I am now sober for 2 and a half years
    I couldnt have done it without the Love of my Family and The Lords Love
    You did an excellent job with this
    Very Sad but VERY VERY TRUE!!!
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2007-08-25 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      It's funny how you categorized this as deep thought/dark. I will give you the darkness of it, but not the deep thought. It's just a thought as far as anybody is concerned - though I don't deny it leaves the door open to deeper thought. Any thought does given the will, given the impassioned heart; perplexity lies only within those who relish triviums of questioning. I didn't really see the poetry in all of this... you made a few simple metaphors, and your vernacular fell into wiles at times. Ominous, I don't quite like the word... May I suggest Ubiquitous? Clouds - Shrouds. Darkness? Void? Omission of (insert omited object).. Nebulosity? Think about working out capitalization, punctuation... To you, as a writer it might not seem important as a matter of orgeuille... Pride should I say.... But it adds this thing we call visual aesthetics... It doesn't change the poem itself, doesn't suddenly qualify as America's next top Poet or anything... But it does distract the reader a lot less... It let's them focus on your poetry a lot more... But that is just a choice... And another tweek.. Prophesy.. It doesn't fit into your piece... It reads awkwardly... And it doesn't fit in with the sense of anything...

    Whatever. It was a thought, didn't much impassion my heart... does need tweeking.

    éthéus.
    | Posted on 2007-08-23 00:00:00 | by OrigamiLover | [ Reply to This ]


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