BiroTube Thoracotomy by Learah

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Submission Name: BiroTube Thoracotomy dots

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Author:	Learah
Elite Ratio:	7.6 - 1697/1281/126
Words:	145

Class/Type:	Rant/Depressed
Total Views:	701
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	1090

Description:
Yes, an indulgent rant. It helps.

BiroTube Thoracotomy dots

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When scenes unfold before glass eye,
eye becomes God, God freezes life.
Superstitious types declare photographs
steal snippets of self;
I would give anything to press a trigger;
invert glass to my temples
discard lightweight Nikon magnesium body
replacing with steel
to steal away my soul.

No, this is not a suicide attempt
but a lifesaving procedure
designed at preventing 'round-the-bends...

wreckage lodged between mouth and gullet
trap cathartic carsick retching
of metallic, phallic, unfabricated emotion:
not-yet-emergency call
9-9-9 has ceased in lucky number stakes
I want to run to hospitals,
robramraid
a gastroscope to findseeclear a way

Unpalatable as it may taste, eighteen years
slowly shaved away in field medicine biro-tube
thoracotomy therapy

I would give anything to wake up tomorrow morning with a lovely, sore throat.

Submitted on 2007-08-23 22:19:34 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  What I like about this is how breathless it came across. It's like telling a joke in the middle of this wonderful party and having everyone laugh only to have them feeling sad hours later when they've dissected the realities you want to impart. (At that same, your make up wears off, the lights go down, the music has already gone through its 38th repeat and everyone has already left. It is then when reality sets in, I believe.)

I may be way off track with this one but this piece somehow reminds me of that time when I choked on a capsule. It was a normal evening and I was being all teenager-ish with my whole wanting to die because of the government, the gay-bashers, the usual things that people complain about and my other childish black-eyeliner stuff. After I got bored playing video games, I went to the medicine cabinet and swallowed one of those Vitamin C capsules that are supposed to make everything better and it got lodged on my larynx. Well, I was young so I didn't really know what was going on. All I knew was that I couldn't speak and there was no one home. I started to panic and that seemed to have worsen the whole thing because the capsule went further down and for a few seconds I couldn't breath. And all I could think was I don't wanna die. Thankfully I coughed it out. I couldn't get a decent tone out of my voice for days but I felt so lucky.

Ok... enough of my rant... I'm being annoying again. I'm glad I was able to read yours though.

| Posted on 2008-03-24 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  The ending surprises me, makes me wonder what you truly mean by wanting a sore throat; too many ciggies from the night before perhaps? Or you want a reason to call into work sick so you don't have to face that day?

"Superstitious types declare photographs
steal snippets of self;"

Don't some African tribes think this? I seem to recall reading about it. In a way, it does, I think: that moment frozen in silver nitrate able to be gazed at decades later. It's a trippy thought to me for some reason. Hrm.

As something to think about, your last line in your first strophe is rather... um... I'm not sure, but it's been used a lot before.

9-9-9... that's either a reference to the emergency phone number (it's 111 here) or playing pokies, but I'm sure it's usually 7-7-7.

I have no idea where I'm going with this comment.

The mood I get overall from this is... rushed. Wanting time to chill out. But I sense you to be the type who gets energised from being on the go all the time.

Who knows. This was a fun read.

Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2007-09-17 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice 'rant.' Works as poetry too.

You do a good job here, though I'm not entirely sure what a biro-tube thoracotomy is. I also was unsure what the 999 reference meant, so you might want to footnote that.

Joe
| Posted on 2007-09-14 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  your work is always lyrical.
calm as a pathologist at an autospsy.
pretty as the blue-veined anatomy doll
with its clear plastic body illuminating in stained glass glow the artificial life within...

so yeah, i like this one rather much.
| Posted on 2007-09-07 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved this. You can feel desperation and the hopelessness of it, it feels like a mad rush to the finish line, which fits the words perfectly. There are a couple awkward spots. I think using the singular 'eye' instead of 'eyes' is a little jarring. I get, however, that it's a camera lenses so maybe try 'before THE glass eye'. I think that would stop people from pausing and wodnering over grammar, which detracts from reading the poem. On the whole however, lovely job, I wish there was more of your stuff to read.
| Posted on 2007-08-30 00:00:00 | by Clarkie | [ Reply to This ]
  hmm it reads really fast to me
i can almost see it set to music of sort
it just kinda flows that way
good write
i love the doctor terms makes it different
| Posted on 2007-08-25 00:00:00 | by digitalflower | [ Reply to This ]
  ...like reading something that has been written by someone beyond their years.

it is accomplished but raw even so and hints at barely constrained madness (read annoyance; read anger unrequited) and i like that you have made a parallel with a desperate alamo of a life-saving procedure with the dry heaving of the photo-journalist.

to come away from this doctor jelly finger of a job with some dignity and sanity will be a challenge i think but that is not it at all.

it is destiny knocking at a door that still has one of those chad valley chains on it: an invite to have it ignored.

unpalatable as it may taste is redundant: unpalatable as it may be would be better but then, this is a rant and you're in charge of it, you rantress with a Mg body...

robramraid made eminent sense.

buy some new heels...

k
| Posted on 2007-08-24 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  DAMN! if I could write like this I would be my own favorite writer. I have to say it's been a while since I had to actually dust off the dictionary while reading something on this here site. very intelligent.
I would list off some favorite lines but that would only insult all the others and they're all so good. why have I not read any off your stuff before?
sorry this isn't much of a critique but really what could I possibly say.
fave fo sho.
well done, bravo.
Milo
| Posted on 2007-08-24 00:00:00 | by Milo shanley | [ Reply to This ]
  Should eye be eyes in the first couple lines? I was stuck on reading that peculiarity over and over making sure the singular eye didn't sound right, which detracts from the flow because well... I shouldn't stop for minutes on the first line thinking about the number of the noun. Unless that's some master plan for the poem.

"No, this is not a suicide attempt
but a lifesaving procedure
designed at preventing 'round-the-bends..."

Oh I dug this here, the contrast was sweet and ironic. Delightful. Delightful poem all around, I was content with the flow and imagery as unique as it was. Meh, otherwise I don't have tons to say, I was delighted contemplating this piece.
| Posted on 2007-08-24 00:00:00 | by yonkit | [ Reply to This ]

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