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    dots Submission Name: Betterdots

    Author: poetry chica
    ASL Info:    17/f/usa
    Elite Ratio:    3.03 - 93/98/34
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 781
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 592


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I watch the way you hold her
    ~and wipe away her tears
    The way that you defend her
    ~and help chase away her fears

    She better hold you close
    ~and whisper in your ear
    She better say she loves you
    ~and kiss away your tears

    You deserve a woman
    ~a woman pure and fine
    You deserve better
    ~tho' i wan't you to be mine

    I hope that you are happy
    ~i hope your love is true
    And even tho' it kills me
    ~i know she's better for you.

    Submitted on 2007-08-25 12:11:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It's very simple, but it really gets the emotion through. Very nice job!

    Sometimes the rythm is a bit off and I have some suggestions:

    The way that you defend her
    ~and help her chase her fears

    or: and help to chase her fears

    (just to make that second line 6 syllables)

    You deserve much better
    ~tho' I want you to be mine

    (make the first line 6 syllables)

    And even tho' it kills me
    ~she is better for you


    ~I know she is for you

    (make that last line 6 syllables as well)

    Hope that helps! :)

    | Posted on 2007-08-26 00:00:00 | by silverfragment | [ Reply to This ]
      Awe, I like this alot. It shows what you are feeling. You aren't spreading everything out. I like how it is simple yet I understand everything you are feeling. And also I like how it rhymes, and how it is all together. Good job.
    But if this is real you should at least tell him him you feel.
    | Posted on 2007-08-26 00:00:00 | by emoxday | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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