Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Betterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: poetry chica
    ASL Info:    17/f/usa
    Elite Ratio:    3.03 - 93/98/34
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 781
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 592



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBetterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    óżBetteróż
    I watch the way you hold her
    ~and wipe away her tears
    The way that you defend her
    ~and help chase away her fears

    She better hold you close
    ~and whisper in your ear
    She better say she loves you
    ~and kiss away your tears

    You deserve a woman
    ~a woman pure and fine
    You deserve better
    ~tho' i wan't you to be mine

    I hope that you are happy
    ~i hope your love is true
    And even tho' it kills me
    ~i know she's better for you.




    Submitted on 2007-08-25 12:11:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It's very simple, but it really gets the emotion through. Very nice job!

    Sometimes the rythm is a bit off and I have some suggestions:

    The way that you defend her
    ~and help her chase her fears

    or: and help to chase her fears

    (just to make that second line 6 syllables)

    You deserve much better
    ~tho' I want you to be mine

    (make the first line 6 syllables)

    And even tho' it kills me
    ~she is better for you

    or

    ~I know she is for you

    (make that last line 6 syllables as well)

    Hope that helps! :)

    | Posted on 2007-08-26 00:00:00 | by silverfragment | [ Reply to This ]
      Awe, I like this alot. It shows what you are feeling. You aren't spreading everything out. I like how it is simple yet I understand everything you are feeling. And also I like how it rhymes, and how it is all together. Good job.
    But if this is real you should at least tell him him you feel.
    | Posted on 2007-08-26 00:00:00 | by emoxday | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    148540

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry