Description: well, i knew i'd write something today. this was originally a comment here. wouldnt be the first time that i posted a critique. sometimes, for me anyway, its easier if you let others' work set off your own.
you can find the original here http://www.eliteskills.com/z/148401
Air Sickness -------------------------------------------
The captain has turned on the fasten your seatbelt sign.
Flight attendants pointing to safety.
In the likely event that I would crash into you...
the exits are here...
There are no parachutes where we're going.
Homesick, its a comforting thought to know that vomit bags are everywhere.
i was so sure id commented on this sucker and well... i havent so i cannot really comment on 3 and 2 unless ive started myself here.
so bear with me... typing lefthandedly...
i always wanted to be brilliant with words.
i always wanted to be able to take a line known by all and change it just slightly so theyd get caught off guard. ive never managed this. you always do. it brings me back each time...
i love the way you play around with your imagery and how it meshes two very different ideas together... one being a flight and all that happens on it [including the emergency exit speech] and two being some kind of love [be it a person or home...]
im interested that its 'in the likely event...' coz usually theyre trying to convince you that your chances of crashing are minimal...
the end with the sickness/bags... brilliant.
i think the spacing is well done.
this makes the flight a long one...
it felt like i spent my whole year on long flights last year... i cannot say i missed them at all...
I had hoped such a voyage would soar
not smear my helpless soul on stars
swept into zippered bags in 'claims'
by handlers who've mispelled the names
It seems this sickness has robbed a 'lover' of hope, or perhaps revealed a cavalier callousness that might otherwise have masqueraded as wounded disenchantment. To paraphrase the piece-
'Watch out now, disaster is inevitable and even the thought of home and rooted belonging is spiraling into the ocean as we speak. However, there is the possibility of jumping ship before the landing gear retract.'
Nice formatting, by the way. And don't feel the least bit disturbed concerning what triggered this. Art has a way of propogating itself.
this totally made me laugh. I went on a plane about a week ago and the lady went showing off to all the passengers where the exists were. The use of spaces was totally great. I felt like i was in the plane all over again. I never been in a plane crash so pretending that i was in this piece really made me imagine it.
It's very comforting for people to know that other passengers are not gonna throw up on them.
I like the idea of what you're doing here. It's interesting to read and piece together the sentiment you wish to convey...however I do think it's still a bit of a loose-weave, more could be done to tighten it up.
In the beginning, I think 'fasten your seatbelt' is a fantastic intro which is obscured by the preceeding "The Captain...." It would instantly command attention.
I'd dump 'pointing' for just 'point, and also rephrase the next line to make it tidier.
The exits are cool, I like the space between them. However I think you could win a double-whammy with those and use the formatting to create two exits justified to the left and right indents of the page. It'd look great!
'No Parachutes' is cool, too! However the final line falls a bit flat for me. I think you could find something better.
This piece is actually a real poem, born of a momentary flash of inspiration and so, it's working well for me in theory... right now it seems a bit slapdash, is all.
Hope you and your longed-for one don't crash and burn but soar above the clouds instead