Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Climbing Trees


Author: Jeniffer
ASL Info:    18/f/earth
Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 240 /279 /81
Words: 193
Class/Type: Poetry /Friendship
Total Views: 3019
Average Vote:    0.0000
Bytes: 1245



Description:


Another whim; they can come so much more easily than the ones that I think matter.


Climbing Trees



The moon was half bitten
the crickets were chirping
and the geese were honking
when you pulled me under the tree
and told me
that there's never a better time
to be happy
than now

You told me
that as we confused the shadows
with a mixture of twisted tree
and languid limbs
letting the bark leave an impression
on our skin,
and watched the branches reach up
into a pink twilight sky,

the world was turning beneath us,
and us with it,
but our ties to it were flapping in the wind

Of all the loose ends in your mind
that you dropped
and let fly like dandelion seeds,
let this one go, too

We saw that some were popping up
like flowers

The swing was there
to drop into from the lowest branch
and climb right back up from
our feet would never touch the ground

You had to go home-
the one not close enough to mine
your footprints didn't last long
in the grass

When you were gone,
the night was vast and unmerciful,
but I was far from alone.




Submitted on 2007-08-27 16:32:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  The elements of the "grass" and the "loose ends" of the mind were very well put. I also liked the second to the last stanza the most since they worked so well with the charming visual verbosity of the prior stanzas. I like it whenever a writer can make the seemingly "small" things have an impact. I don't know if that was deliberate but, well done.
| Posted on 2011-11-11 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  
Hi there,

So I just read your new one and enjoyed it very much and didn't have a thing to suggest. Content and style are both spot on there. So I thought I'd visit your page and read some more. I'm drawn to anything pertaining trees, so naturally I would up here.

Again, the content is lovely. I think everyone can somehow apply themselves to happenings like this...discovering someone beyond yourself. I also like that use you simple language for powerful images. I do have a couple suggestions/thoughts that you can take or leave, because I think this could be tightened up here and there. If I may...

In the second stanza, I wonder if 'you told me/that' is necessary. It seems like it could be done without and not alter the write at all, so that it would read

and told me
that there's never a better time
to be happy
than now

as we confused the shadows

The third stanza struck me as awkwardly phrased and just a touch overly worded. Maybe it could be rearranged a little?

we were turning
with the world beneath us
but our ties to it were flapping in the wind

or something? Maybe just play around with it a little.

And that's it, really. I like the later idea of the footprints not lasting long in the grass and possibly you could emphasize on that, because it has such a strong symbology to it. Otherwise this was another very enjoyable piece and you managed to elude the clichés that tend to come with such topics.
| Posted on 2009-07-23 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
  This reads so rapid, it flows like a flooding river! I'm not certain how you accomplished this (I suspect by concentrating on motion and narritive with very little of the self-important "reflection" that is all too common with post modern poetry.... bravo... bravo... bravo...
| Posted on 2008-06-06 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
  I've read a couple of your pieces, and you definitely have a style that is unique and comes through, even when the pieces seem dramatically different. There is a language, a rhythm that seems to flow right out. Very nice.

My favorite stanza is:

"You told me
that as we confused the shadows
with a mixture of twisted tree
and languid limbs
letting the bark leave an impression
on our skin,
and watched the branches reach up
into a pink twilight sky,"

Confusing shadows, becoming shadows, forms mixing into one is such an apt description of real friendship, like different limbs on the same tree.

I like that you just let this one out, didn't overthink it. It'd be easy to get convoluted if you did. Very nice,

James
| Posted on 2008-01-22 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I can definately say its not generic. The word 'languid' seemed kind of outcasted, since its not a regular word and the rest are. But your vocabulary is perfectly simple, creating a pretty romantic picture. Much like a modern fairytale of sorts.

I like how you actually gave it a story and a point, instead of making it all code-y and overly metaphoric. And the metaphors you did use were great, also.

All in all, this is a very awesome poem.

Keep it up?

Yeah.

-Kiddo-
| Posted on 2007-10-16 00:00:00 | by Kiddo | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh, this is so well done. It is brilliantly understated in a soft and sure manner, in an entirely natural voice. Powerful, poignant, just wonderful, wonderful....it seems written by an "old" hand, not one as young as yours...I loved it, loved it, loved it..... bravo.. bravo... bravo....michael
| Posted on 2007-10-05 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, Jennifer, I really like this wriitng and I feel it, i had almost the same experience like you wrote in this write, and well when you get apart from that person, your life seems to be agonyzing, yeah, it does, So thanks for hsairng and if you have time please the 2 comments you promise me, and well take care please and i hope you can be available on the chat,
have a nice night and day
Victor
| Posted on 2007-09-15 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
  Jeniffer, adolescent love poems are often overly introspective, badly clichéd and written in appalling rhyming couplets. You avoid all of the above and have written an elegant, natural sounding poem. You have not striven for esoteric vocabulary. You have not become too symbolic or abstruse. As a result your poem is easy to understand. You show good promise as a poet.
| Posted on 2007-08-29 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
  I have mixed feeling on this The first to stanzas are fantastic. The moon half bitten; apples the feminine temption yum.

This stanza is magical awsome imagery wonderfully detailed and worded.
Nice title, (I love climbing trees.)

The end grass being the set up for vast eh okay.
the feeling of longing is pretty srtong in this. it had that feeling of friendship transitioning into love or maybe it was just longing for time with a friend I long all the time cause I work all night long. Anyway the finish isn't as strong I's recomend tryong to get the rest of the piece to that level of writing but I'll sned my friend over here and have her take a look when she come back around. peace
| Posted on 2007-08-28 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



148609