Description: I know this needs work so feel free to bash away.The first thing I've written in months.
tease -------------------------------------------
Is it okay to sleep all day;
Ignore solar rays,
Saving my praise for the moon?
Is it alright to embody the night
Allowing the brightness of others to shine through me?
I have become a tree realizing stillness is strength
As my eyes wander the length of her thighs
My fingertips providing pleasure
As they leisurely burrow beneath blankets cocooned
Tracing the waist line of her fruit of the looms
Rounding her hips before delicately riding the ridges of her spine
Alpine snowy mountains peak my interest so I investigate the inornate space between
Examining goosebumps forming
with each kiss my lips seem fit to leave
Pulling hair and tugging teeth
then I roll over and go to sleep
finished with my performance
I liked the piece with the exception of the last line - it just seemed rushed to finish & perhaps that was what you wanted to portray that all the teasing leading up to performing & then just "done". If that was the case it works.
I haven't been writing a lot lately either - doing more painting but it's nice to come back to -- here's to your muse!
I agree with CharmedIdentity. With the sleeping and teasing themes this did feel too rushed. I would try a simpler formula for your line breaks, also cutting unnecessary words.
Try something like this.
I have become a tree
realizing stillness is strength
As my eyes wander the length of her thighs
My fingertips providing pleasure
As they leisurely burrow beneath blankets cocooned
Tracing the waist line of her fruit of the looms
Rounding her hips delicately riding the ridges of her spine
ETC.
Also I believe that right after the beginning you kind of lose yourself,
"Is it okay to sleep all day;
Ignore solar rays,
Saving my praise for the moon?
Is it alright to embody the night
Allowing the brightness of others to shine through me?"
I feel that this intro weakens the piece and doesnt add enough to the "plot". It's almost like you are talking about two different kinds of sleep between the beginning and the end.
I recommend reading this piece backwards and seeing if it is saying exactly what you want it to say. Otherwise a great read.
/rmdIII
I must say, you have some very interesting ideas about this teasing. It's like you've used all your imagination or anything and everything possible to explain this teasing in the most creative way. I must congradulate you on that.
What i did find lacking was the way this piece was presented. I honestly think you've rushed this. I think you wrote it and didn't examine it very carefully to see if the flow of the piece was appropriate or whether you needed to add or edit some things. For one thing, i noticed you've used punctuation at the beginning but then it totally disappeared. Also your decicion to ignore the full stop and use a constant stanza does not work with me. I think to truly enjoy a teasing like that, you need it to go slow so that in the ending, you're left in ecstacy. But here, you don't allow me to just feel it. You just keep going until the very ending and when it's done, i've had no time or even no realization of what i really needed to feel. Finally, i think you've made a few grammatical mistakes with "Mountains , Interest and Performance". Nothing big but still worth considering.
Overall though, i think you've done a great creative job. It was worth the read.
Submission Name: tease
