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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: teasedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shaman
    ASL Info:    32/m/Holland,MI
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 821/406/72
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1350
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 828



    Description:
       I know this needs work so feel free to bash away.The first thing I've written in months.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsteasedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Is it okay to sleep all day;
    Ignore solar rays,
    Saving my praise for the moon?
    Is it alright to embody the night
    Allowing the brightness of others to shine through me?
    I have become a tree realizing stillness is strength
    As my eyes wander the length of her thighs
    My fingertips providing pleasure
    As they leisurely burrow beneath blankets cocooned
    Tracing the waist line of her fruit of the looms
    Rounding her hips before delicately riding the ridges of her spine
    Alpine snowy mountains peak my interest so I investigate the inornate space between
    Examining goosebumps forming
    with each kiss my lips seem fit to leave
    Pulling hair and tugging teeth
    then I roll over and go to sleep
    finished with my performance




    Submitted on 2007-08-28 11:52:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ok...my Boss is on his way so this has to be short. I will come back tonight and ooo and aaaaawwwww over it later.

    I love the simple slide from one passionate thought to an almost "Over it" in the past feeling.

    I have so much more to say but can't do it now...be back after
    | Posted on 2007-08-30 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Hello one who has girlish giggles
    I was over at Clays page funny guy

    I wouldn't bash it at all,

    The first part of your piece brought the feeling of the mood of how you felt,

    And the middle was the beginning of what was a passion filled moment to the climax of two people inlove

    I have to say I would change this,

    Pulling hair and tugging teeth
    then I roll over and go to sleep
    finished with my performance

    maybe to one of these?


    Pulling hair and tugging teeth
    then I roll over to go to sleep
    finished with my performance

    Or


    Pulling hair and tugging teeth
    I roll over and go to sleep
    finished with my performance

    its just my opinion you don't have to change anything.
    ThankYou for the read Shaman it's good to see you are back writing again


    ps...In some way when I read this it's like you were into this moment and she wasn't as much into it ?

    It was this part,

    Pulling hair and tugging teeth
    then I roll over and go to sleep
    finished with my performance

    makes me think the frustration of it all you gave up and went to sleep?


    | Posted on 2007-08-30 00:00:00 | by deluka | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the piece with the exception of the last line - it just seemed rushed to finish & perhaps that was what you wanted to portray that all the teasing leading up to performing & then just "done". If that was the case it works.

    I haven't been writing a lot lately either - doing more painting but it's nice to come back to -- here's to your muse!

    Happy Day!
    love,peace,joy&smiles to share
    tif
    | Posted on 2007-08-29 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with CharmedIdentity. With the sleeping and teasing themes this did feel too rushed. I would try a simpler formula for your line breaks, also cutting unnecessary words.
    Try something like this.


    I have become a tree
    realizing stillness is strength

    As my eyes wander the length of her thighs

    My fingertips providing pleasure
    As they leisurely burrow beneath blankets cocooned

    Tracing the waist line of her fruit of the looms
    Rounding her hips delicately riding the ridges of her spine

    ETC.

    Also I believe that right after the beginning you kind of lose yourself,

    "Is it okay to sleep all day;
    Ignore solar rays,
    Saving my praise for the moon?
    Is it alright to embody the night
    Allowing the brightness of others to shine through me?"

    I feel that this intro weakens the piece and doesnt add enough to the "plot". It's almost like you are talking about two different kinds of sleep between the beginning and the end.

    I recommend reading this piece backwards and seeing if it is saying exactly what you want it to say. Otherwise a great read.
    /rmdIII
    | Posted on 2007-08-28 00:00:00 | by Ratiomeducet | [ Reply to This ]
      I must say, you have some very interesting ideas about this teasing. It's like you've used all your imagination or anything and everything possible to explain this teasing in the most creative way. I must congradulate you on that.

    What i did find lacking was the way this piece was presented. I honestly think you've rushed this. I think you wrote it and didn't examine it very carefully to see if the flow of the piece was appropriate or whether you needed to add or edit some things. For one thing, i noticed you've used punctuation at the beginning but then it totally disappeared. Also your decicion to ignore the full stop and use a constant stanza does not work with me. I think to truly enjoy a teasing like that, you need it to go slow so that in the ending, you're left in ecstacy. But here, you don't allow me to just feel it. You just keep going until the very ending and when it's done, i've had no time or even no realization of what i really needed to feel. Finally, i think you've made a few grammatical mistakes with "Mountains , Interest and Performance". Nothing big but still worth considering.

    Overall though, i think you've done a great creative job. It was worth the read.

    Cheers,

    Irina
    | Posted on 2007-08-28 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      very articulate, very lovely
    | Posted on 2007-08-28 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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