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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Letters to First Love Part 1dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raineyes
    ASL Info:    23/f/AR
    Elite Ratio:    4.74 - 208/187/46
    Words: 296
    Class/Type: Misc/Love
    Total Views: 1512
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1381



    Description:
       A note to a first love.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLetters to First Love Part 1dots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's unbearable what I feel for you. It hurts me so much. It hurts to see you, to hear you, to speak to you, to think about you. My heart aches. I will not lie. Sometimes I wish I could hate you. And sometimes I get so unbearably angry when I think of you that I think I could hate you if I didn't love you so much. Sometimes I long for your touch and your touch only and I won't let anyone else touch me. Sometimes I long for your kiss and your voice. It's torture and pain and I deserve it. Sometimes I cry because of how much I miss you and sometimes I cry just because of the pain that I feel. When you’re in the room I feel as though you have a gravitational pull and I'm caught in it. I can barely look at you. It hurts too much. Sometimes I want to talk to you so bad it drives me crazy and I will find any excuse just to call you. You tore my world asunder when you broke me. So I broke you and I will pay for that the rest of my life because I will forever be broken. I will forever look at our beautiful baby girl and see you. I will forever kiss someone else and feel you. I will forever speak with someone else and hear you. It's too much for one slightly crazy, always tired, overworked mother to take. It tears at my soul. I will forever profess my love to another but you will always own my heart.





    Submitted on 2007-08-29 11:26:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i think first loves are hard to move on from.
    throw in with that the fact that there is a child involved it makes it all the more hard... emotional ties and such.

    i think, as a piece of writing, if you are wanting to better the effect of it there are a few things you could think about.

    one is the use of repetition.
    in the first half you start almost every line with sometimes and while i realise that this isnt an all the time feeling because it is shared with so many others i think you could prolly find a more sucinct way of saying your piece without starting every line with sometimes.

    be aware of the same idea used too close together.



    Sometimes I wish I could hate you. And sometimes I get so unbearably angry when I think of you that I think I could hate you if I didn't love you so much

    here you have the idea of hate twice really quickly. im pretty sure you mean them to be a follow on from each other but i would prolly do some word rearranging so that it doesnt seem like you are repeating yourself.
    you could probably even say 'sometimes i wish i could hate you, and i know i could, if only i didnt love you so much'

    though that brings me to my next point...

    love is really hard to write about because it seems everyone who has ever picked up a pen has written about it so there isnt very much room left for brilliantly original love pieces.
    but that doesnt mean you shouldnt strive to be original.

    realising that this piece comes from your heart and it expresses pain in a way that a) pain needs to be expressed and b) he could prolly understand if ever he were to read this then your letter achieves its purpose

    but if your intention is to better your writing will expressing pain and being understood then you prolly need to think about finding more original imagery because, in quite a few places, i had this deja vu... ive read something like this before feeling...

    but i really want to encourage you to keep with the letter writing if it brings you peace. think about some of the things i have said in this comment for your future letter writings and if you need any help or suggestions or anything you know where i am.

    good work
    | Posted on 2007-08-30 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      "When you’re in the room I feel as though you have a gravitational pull and I'm caught in it. I can barely look at you. It hurts too much."

    God, I know exactly how you feel.

    This is so sad...sooooo sad. I think it is beautiful. Amazing. Perfect.

    Great job at expressing that heartache so thoroughly.
    | Posted on 2007-08-30 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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