Guess how many times I have clicked the backspace button after highlighting stanza upon stanza upon stanza..
I bet you cant.
Only because it was enough times that I didnt stop to count and therefore embarass myself,
the shrinking embarassment of being alone
and still feeling the shame you would
if 100 people were watching you
because 100 people wouldnt have known why I clicked it.
Why I wasted so much time, and time for me is rare as Im trapped in this reluctant prison, on writing things I wont even show strangers
people so seperated from me, they cant see enough to judge me
and they certainly wouldnt, or not anywhere near as harshly as I judge myself anyway..
So whats the harm?
I dont know
I just know that it hurt to write words not big enough
not strong enough, nowhere near striking enough
or beautifully cruel enough
to capture what I feel
being another teenager in a strange and desperate situation..
I couldnt say anything I could find some song to say for me, blaring into my headphones as my life story
I couldnt write anything that would make you feel exactly like I do, like a hurricane is eating away your insides while some adorable boy, too new to understand your failures and why you hate them with so much fierceness pours honey into your lungs to deadweight against your panicked hyperventilation, and kisses you with little to no understanding of who you and why you hate it that you talk so much because he only sees people nodding and laughing and he doesnt see the you walking towards the proverbial noose with your head in your hands because youre killing yourself with every new day. I cant write that. Its impossible to say it without sounding clichéd, overdone, melodramatic, ungrateful, and whatever.. Young. its impossible to write it without sounding young.
Because its a whole new piece of work in itself to explain wrongness and how mine is magnified, and how I am grateful for life, I just want to do BETTER and Im not sure how. And people dont seem to help much anymore. And nighttime is harder than usual.
Its much to difficult to write that down.
And whats more is I dont need someone else to see it, to see how I feel about myself. Its enough for me to read the words, and for me to know and for at least me to be sure that I am right in saying Im wrong if nothing else.