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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hello There Dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shoggoth
    ASL Info:    24/m/croatia
    Elite Ratio:    4.74 - 80/84/30
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 788
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 611



    Description:
       No, it's not about a dirty hotline xD


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHello There Dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I dialed a mishapen fortune
    And the operator said:
    "I cannot let you make this call
    Because your eyes are dead."

    I disregarded all I heard
    And dialed randomly again.
    A beauty answered softly,
    Deadly to the hearts of men.

    She asked me if I loved her.
    I told her that I asked her first.
    She grew inhibited and careful
    Not to quench my dying thirst.

    Then she finally had spoken,
    Reverberating ill and nervous:
    "The number you have dialed
    Has never been in service."




    Submitted on 2007-08-29 12:43:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      I don't fully fathom the exact meaning of this write. To me, it displays bewilderment but at a massive degree.

    Saying that the operator told you that you werenít allowed to make the call on account of your dead eyes seems to denote again confusion or irony which, to my mind, is one of the thing with which this write is suffused.


    As for stanza two, I'm not sure whether beauty at can be listened to. Iíve always thought that it could only be looked with one's eyes ... which serve to support my aforesaid point.

    With regards to the "dying thirst" that could be interpreted as an urge to get something. It denotes a lonely person or someone who's been carrying a burden for way too long or even a person who is bereft of love and craves for it.

    The last stanza tells us or confirms the ironic tone of the piece and leads me to reckon that you might be depicting a dream.... though I'm not completely certain of it.

    In the same vein, with this write you might also be describing a long and difficult journey that ends up with somebody telling you that you got the wrong address, which may explain a faint satirical feature embedded in this poem, to put that way.

    Finally, I must say or point out that this is a highly surreal write thatís very neat and well thought out, in my opinion.

    I do apologize if nothing of this makes any sense to you.


    Best wishes,

    Ethan Brody

    | Posted on 2007-10-13 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your poem. You have used a good running metaphor which sustains he whole thing and you have a nice ironical sense of humour. I could imagine a few more verses - she put me on hold, enthralled me with her musak, left a message at the tone etc.

    I think your word order needs a little tweaking to fulfil the demands of your metre.
    For example verse 2 could be:

    I disregarded all I heard
    And at random dialed again.
    A beauty answered softly,
    Deadly to the hearts of men.

    And verse 3 perhaps:
    She asked me if I loved her.
    I told her that I asked first.
    She grew inhibited, and careful
    Not to quench my dying thirst.

    And verse 4:
    Then finally she answered,
    Reverberating ill and nervous:
    "The number you have dialed
    Has never been in service."
    | Posted on 2007-08-29 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      You have a very philosophical view about you, a texture that dominates your tone, but it also reminds me of the men in books back in the Victorian age, Romantic, that strength, very strong, very stable minded, sure footed. Curious, but knowledgeabe, not feeble, not some kind of an "emo" poem you come accross nowadays....
    I had to read a number of your poems to really get a feel for the writer. You are an intriquing character.
    I am fond of this poem, but to a small degree feel that the name is not enough for it. It doesn't live up to the poem, and I know how that goes, personally. But it is a bit sad, esp. for such a poem.

    It really drew me in, though- "You cannot make this call because your eyes are dead" that was a line to remember.
    From what I am trying to see, more into the thoughts of the auther, or even perhaps simply the one whose voice you write, are a person of sound, you delight in music, and judge less by face value and more by soul.
    That first stanza seems to me to be a forewarning, that perhaps because of how you view the world, you must not illusion yourself, that what you see might be what you get, that you should not always believe that the soul is true.
    But you blatently ignore it as you say in the second stanza. You dial to find someone, no matter the end result. You want to see, but not really, so you use the phone as a vessel of exploration, a means in which to seek the soul rather than the outside.
    You reach a voice, a supposed beauty, a voice you judge to to be beautiful, but also a voice to tempt, to bring ruin to a man's life, also symbolic of your ideals being a person of the soul, that you are teased and tempted with them, only to be pushed away....
    But then you know this. As she asks for your love, you asked first. Perhaps she misunderstood. Your ideal became corrupt within your complicated inquisition-turned statement. You know you asked for it by even calling, by even hoping. But turning the question around- that is your block. So While you are not superficial, looking only by the soul, you are also cynical, also half-out. You are blind then, really to the belief of people's soul, while seeing only those souls...
    She then says the number is out of service.
    You scared her away. Complicated the issue, and confused her.
    But would you really be confusing if you met that someone?
    Do you use the phone as a mean of soul-searching, or trying to find that one other- you tell yourself your blind, but dont regaurd it, cause you know it. Your blindness is cynicism, your only realtiy check, your only means of finding something, something you seek so fervently, yet, you do not define what. So, perhaps, it is something that not even you know?!
    And even though you dont know, you would not comprimise your ability to look like you do, otherwise that would show a sure sign of weakness, of permeability that you cannot have while looking for this very important thing.
    So while you see not superficially, your shell is beefed up for intimidation sake. You use the shell to hid your unsure-ness, but you feel stronger by fending off those who dont understand, but also by your ability to not be fooled by people's fronts, and the exact same front you uphold. The Dream to which you refer you dont even know, but you are searching, hungrily.
    | Posted on 2007-08-29 00:00:00 | by ladyofshalott | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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