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with [more than you]


Author: on1eday.co.uk
Elite Ratio:    8 - 887 /402 /54
Words: 146
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
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Description:




with [more than you]



What if I believe
[more than you]
that everything else meant nothing.
that everyone else
they were all just underwater slide shows
always meant to pass me by
And that the pain
is in watching them on carousel for the rest of my life
Without you.

What if I believe
[more than you]
in those 37 and a half hours
which we counted in minutes
they could be our lifetime in reverse
every new face is a vacant empty hole
that I can’t look in the eye.
Fuck I regret coming back
and being so aloof

What if I believe
[more than you]
that where you are now
Is amnesia
and how can anyone else be everything you ever wanted
Anyway,
we’ve waited more than long enough
for the future to prove
just how right we were.




Submitted on 2007-08-29 16:54:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  this is excellent.

i want to print it off and give it to Aly.

which we counted in minutes
they could be our lifetime in reverse

i find that without punctuation this transition is a little tricky. i pause, i do this on my own, i can negotiate it, i'd rather you direct me.

what's in the brackets is lovely.

and just as an example of how i think:

[censored] regret' coming back and being so aloof.

you might not like that, but i like that it sort of states that all the narrator is feeling is not the all of all the narrator is feeling. from that perspective, it works, it adds layering, gives you the thought that these are only the words. Perhaps in a plainly stated poem such as this, you could use something like that.

I find the close is maybe too soft. Coming down off those highs into an expected arrangement, for me, it's a bit too expected, the close.

But, the core of the poem, the feeling that wells up. Yes sir, I do love that.
| Posted on 2011-03-19 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
  so (please) come back then...

it is plaintive and articulate.
maybe too so.
maybe too jumbo cords chin-stroking owning up so.
i dunno (what wood eye no?)
i know this:

you remain brighter than most and your use of parentheses (cleverly) invites the reader to ignore them.

but you can't ignore what you've scene and those that care will dig away at this and see that prose is no step in step up comparator for poetry...

we can hear your heartstrings part from here mate

or at least i can...

'a well thought out and presented piece of work'
peterborough and ely trumpet slash bugle

take it easy builder-boy.

k
| Posted on 2007-09-05 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  So I am first to comment...
I am using my cousin's pc... so will try to give the poem its due while making convo.

I just love the whimsical tone u use in your love poems. I always think the love poems I write are not up to the level, I just can't do it. You and Alia tend to master them each in your own way.

that everyone else
they were all just underwater slide shows
always meant to pass me by

That is my favorite part of the poem. Although the "they" seems superfluous to me, it rather breaks the flow.

It seems that this is about someone who left a great mark in your life, and it seems no one is filling in her place.
She also left a great emptiness in your life, but somehow coming back to her seems like a bad idea, although the reason is not apparent.

But the bitter tone u mastered here tends to show how deep it all affects u (well the charactr in the poem).

"What if I believe
[more than you]
in those 37 and a half hours
which we counted in minutes
they could be our lifetime in reverse
every new face is a vacant empty hole
that I can’t look in the eye.
[censored] I regret coming back
and being so aloof"

Some 37 hours... life defining. Somehow it is as if u regret coming back then regret refusing to go on with the relationship, then regretting this decision after.

What I like most though is that simple style u use to write. This use of really easy words yet you do it with grace that gives u an identity of ur own.

I am glad I thought of coming and checking this out Rob.

Don't work too much :P

cu around
Viviane (with one n one e hehe)

| Posted on 2007-09-01 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]


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