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    dots Submission Name: friday 24dots

    Author: DontLetGo421
    Elite Ratio:    2.18 - 118/238/141
    Words: 186
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 580
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1132


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsfriday 24dots

    happily standing with both feet on the ground
    at peace with everything and everyone around

    although im so strong when your glimpse comes, im weak
    the day we call tomorrow is not one i hope to seek

    for tomorrows night is the day we'll call our last
    though it was only one meeting , it was all done too fast

    what we achieved was what none would expect
    what we achieved is what most would call regret

    we shocked others and ourselves along the way
    i'll hold in my heart what we shared that summers day

    for although it was game at the beggining of the time
    what was true came later , it was the most beautiful crime

    for we dont need to say it to know what we share
    its something undescribable , unfake and fair

    blesses and thanks because i know what will happen to the needed
    come tomorrow this blessing will become ever weeded

    consequences and difficulites will blind our way
    but just hold on to your heart to remember that day

    Submitted on 2007-08-30 17:32:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I could not help but think of the saying about two ships passing in the night. We meet many who become but little blinks in the total of our lives. As long as we can stay
    "happily standing with both feet on the ground
    at peace with everything and everyone around,"
    life is good! (Those two lines were my favorites, my the way.) This meeting and parting seems much more memorable than a casual hello/goodbye. Your rhymes worked with the single exception of expect-regret. Do you have a rhyming dictionary? They're very handy if you enjoy writing with rhyme. I have one in the back of my Websters. :-) Sharon
    | Posted on 2007-09-24 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]
      im wondering why you used double spacing for this piece? it doesnt seem to contribute anything to the presentation of the piece.

    i think this piece would be a whole lot stronger if you were to use stanza breaks and maybe experiment with your line breaks a little [though i realise that you are going for the rhyming approach so that may not work so well]

    i think, while you know what you are writing about, the reader has very little to base their understanding on. you give the reader a couple of vague ideas but there is very little concrete in this piece... perhaps think about putting a little more detail into your imagery..?

    my guess is that two ppl were flirting and things went a little further than just flirting and now one of them [the narrative voice of this piece] wishes something more could come of the relationship but it would seem, for reasons unapparent, that both know nothing can happen...

    | Posted on 2007-09-09 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it, it kind cute I enjoyed the rhyming nothing came off as too forced. Good job.
    | Posted on 2007-09-01 00:00:00 | by Katlord | [ Reply to This ]

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