Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Never Played Symphoniesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: the_truth
    ASL Info:    15/f/usa
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 25/21/21
    Words: 786
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1085
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 4588



    Description:
       A dedication for my friend ‘previously-recorded’ s Uchihacest fanfiction ‘The Never Played Symphonies’


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Never Played Symphoniesdots
    -------------------------------------------




    The Never Played Symphonies


    A touch that was tainted
    This relationship that was damned
    The first time my reaction was fainted
    As you took my body and it was slammed

    A stone so heated - so red
    A past that was loving and pure
    Marble cold onyx eyes that match the dead
    A hatred that you must endure

    I was on a mission to end you
    Now I am screaming you name
    After all I have been through
    I am lost in your twisted game

    Never sorry for your feel
    One for your domination
    The pleasure that I must conceal
    All this building my frustration

    If you knew what I needed
    You would never do such
    For you to stop - I pleaded
    Begged as my hold on your cloak clutched

    I tossed my head and you went on
    Moving with the beat of your command
    To your skill and form I am drawn
    Being beneath you like such was not planned

    Training and learning to fight
    To get the attention I so craved
    The sweat and pain was a new height
    My body you enslaved

    I shall grown and learn
    But nothing will end we
    Hurting you will never be my turn
    And this you will agree

    A succulent fruit you taunt
    The taste of it on my lips craving
    Sweet flavor from your body I want
    You thought that your visit was saving

    A white sheet that told all
    Knowing that I had no say in it
    As you had your way with me on that stone wall
    Soon after you got my submit

    A mark that should have been made by my lips
    Denying any emotional regard
    The shadow of betrayal lost in an eclipse
    Excepting such is more that impossible and hard

    An envy and want as I want the others move
    Actions that I wish would be mimicked on I
    Something that will answer my question - prove
    Though such an emotion I must deny

    An elder I looked up to
    Such to you was defiance
    If you wanted to injure, you would not get my compliance
    It is not as though he could take the place of you

    Fighting another for your approval
    Turned out to be nothing more than dismay
    It was nothing just more of your removal
    The only thing that changed was the thoughts of they

    Catching others in the actions I so required
    Hearing words of something pure
    I said to you what they did and it inspired
    It won’t last that I’m sure

    Nothing much more than inactivity
    Dealings to pass the occasion
    Some how this hit your ‘sensitivity’
    There is never any persuasion

    Sent to be touched by one whom was not you
    In silent horror I was forced to see
    Enough to subdue
    Killed by someone who couldn’t be me

    Excepted for the monster than I’ve become
    A single ring to hold our bond
    With the scolding sins I become numb
    Never enough for you to respond

    The decision to stay was not mine at all
    Declining such an object - never
    A home I can no longer recall
    For you I wanted to be with forever

    Capturing the one I called a friend
    Needing to save him – but keep you
    Knowing nothing – that you pretend
    He was watching – this you knew

    Making me relive my death
    Through eyes that should not be mine
    I could no longer catch my missing breath
    With that you finally crossed the invisible line

    A blade not meant for my love
    Words and a touch never expected
    No longer my black crow – now a white dove
    My hope and fears you protected

    Though as this time comes to a end
    The sure hurt of being betrayed
    I can no longer think what I wish and pretend
    These symphonies have never been played



    Authors note: I did this as a dedication for my friend ‘previously-recorded’ s Uchihacest fanfiction ‘The Never Played Symphonies’ I beta for her and I can easily say it is one of the best – if not the best – Uchihacest fanfics I have ever read. You should really check it out. She can be found on Fanfiction (dot) net and Adultfanfiction (dot) net.

    If you review her fic let her know you read this poem.





    Submitted on 2007-08-31 22:01:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really found this hard to read sorry. The meter was really disjointed and interrupted with the flow of the poem. The thing was I wanted to like it and was put off and made it to the middle and gave up.

    My head went into "how can I make this readbale for me" mode. I felt there were too many words used that were unnecessary. for example excluding the following would make it more enjoyable for me.

    A touch that was tainted
    This relationship (that was) damned
    (The) first time (my) reaction(s), (was) fainted
    Body taken and slammed.

    I really feel less is more here and it reads more effectively in my head.

    These are just sggestions of one way ion which this poem could be improved and you may find others. Tap me up for a reread if you dare :)

    Kate

    | Posted on 2007-09-01 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    148839

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    The World written by jjd
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Etiquette written by saartha
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Cover written by saartha
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Carry written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Records I written by Raphael
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry