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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Melancholydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Saidin
    ASL Info:    16/M/BJ
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 11/19/17
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 133
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 928



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMelancholydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Black fingers numb me,
    holding fast my mind. The clouds spread from the evening
    sun, shaded in a cloak of fine deafness
    coming. I feel the lethargy…
    take over. My eyes dim
    and see…
    naught but a gray horizon.
    Dust flies and the dark wind
    blows…
    around my cheek. A teardrop, a sea where I drift, amidst
    the flow…
    of a murky current
    far, far
    beneath…
    I lift my head to see a wavering, drowned light—I cannot
    breathe…
    but a stagnant air sluggishly greets me instead, for
    the clouds, are here now,
    Above me…
    a light of light smothered by
    the sea…
    of haze and mist. I feel the yawn of a giant,
    then a feeling of
    wet…
    I move slowly, in a rhythm
    set…
    and sleep the everlasting rest,
    for eternity snared in this
    gray, gray
    Land.




    Submitted on 2007-09-01 04:46:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It's slow and makes one think, I'll give you that. You've given me a suitable picture of crawling across a dead river with all sorts of sad monstrosities around.


    My eyes dim
    and see…
    naught but a gray horizon.

    I lift my head to see a wavering, drowned light—I cannot
    breathe…


    Yes, I think you can see the slow pattern very edgily playing out the scene in front of you. Well done.

    However, if you allow me to speak my mind, this piece somewhat seems unfinished, as if demanding some form of completion of thought that cannot be accomplished by "grey grey land". It's an appreciative closure, but with an illustration that is definitely more than meets the eye, I suggest you may consider a rewrite. I have no suggestions at the moment, sorry.

    black fingers numb me/holding fast my mind

    Overall, neat job. Keep posting, I'll be watching.

    Cheers
    Azuire
    | Posted on 2007-09-05 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good. The imagery is fantastic, I was for a moment...in the land of the dead..........you clearly described someone dying, (from what I could tell,) but you didn't say it, you showed the reader. I like that, keep writing.
    -Katriana
    | Posted on 2007-09-01 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]



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