exhaled in a single breath
forgotten in a soul-capturing night
drowned in watery fears and doubts
sucked in blackholes of the mind
to: wisps that float upon a breeze,
swirled together by wind patterns;
or frozen in the winter air
to dissolve as spring approaches
i grit my teeth and grimace
at the strangeness of it all
and we fall
from the tree.
bruised and browning apples left and bereft on the hard earth
rotting with a putrefying scent, as
insects feast upon this bounty:
corpses, just corpses
we're going nowhere today,
| Wow, the post below me is some serious critiquing. Though the overall atmosphere of the poem leaves me feeling like this is just another "depressed" work with lots of dark imagery, the scene with the apples is so evocative, I can't imagine better word choice there. And as my eyes take in the words of the poem, the imagery flows with such a.... dreamlike quality. (sorry. puns make me sad)|
I like it, not much else I can say
|| Posted on 2008-02-25 00:00:00 | by MC white | [ Reply to This ] || Miss exploding girl, you're a talented sh.it for 15 (I peeked at one of your blogs... can't remember which one it was on your homepage). Really. I don't say that often. And yeah, it sounds like a condescending statement but I was writing atrocious angsty abab crapola at your age. You're light-years ahead in terms of diction and style over this mostly emo crowd poetry seems to attract. |
I'd ditch the bits in parentheses too. It doesn't suit the rest of the 'voice', and quite frankly, it's annoying for some reason lol. Not sure about the "grim(ace)" part either. Are you meaning to highlight the two words "grim" and "ace" by doing this? I personally think it stands fine as one word, spaced like you have it already.
I really like your poem up until "tree". Not saying I don't like the rest, but this is powerful, and could be trimmed right back to this, if you so desired. The way you space out your second part (after your opening couplet) was refreshing too, and well thought out.
What does this impart to me overall? Feelings of lethargy and abandonment most of all, I guess.
It's very well constructed. As I said, you're a talented sh.it, and I've known this for a while now.
|| Posted on 2007-10-19 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ] || I've read this poem a number of times now and keep finding new nuances to the words. It's magical how you've broken it up - it lends a feeling of space and abbreviated thought... almost a reprieve to build a mental picture and take in the meaning of your words. I feel the brackets have the same effect... it 'drops' in a mental picture to dissect and mingle with the rest of the poem. It creates in me a strange, lonely feeling... almost as if I were caught inside a snowflake and drifting slowly to earth... unable to break away and knowing it's too late to escape. Profound piece!||| Posted on 2007-09-22 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ] |