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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: For the boy who reads Kafkadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: try_again
    ASL Info:    17/female/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.86 - 4/9/4
    Words: 123
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 578
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 809



    Description:
       this is for a guy at work, who's so brilliant that when he's not around, it breaks my heart.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFor the boy who reads Kafkadots
    -------------------------------------------


    Disappointment welles in my eyes
    As I battle tears and rage against
    The dying of our light.
    He's instantaneously
    The little girl on the plane,
    As he turns his doll's head around
    To look at me,
    And as I wait impatiently for our next one-on-one
    Meeting of the minds
    Brain-sex session,
    I etch minute poetry
    Onto the back of my own heart with charcoal.
    His thoughts emerge in my dreams repeatedly,
    And as I carefully measure out my afternoon coffee break,
    I swear I hear the slurp of his mocha.
    The tingle of his voice is inescapable
    And staring at his vacant apron
    Draped over his chair, accross from me
    Makes my heart ache to the postponed
    Rhythm of longing.




    Submitted on 2007-09-02 00:41:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I thought this was right on the verge of being great. I can't tell you what, but it feels like it's missing something.

    I can tell you I enjoyed this. The title is wonderful and what attracted me to read it.

    I also think you should eliminate the line breaks in this section:

    "Onto the back of my own heart
    With charcoal.
    His thoughts emerge in my dreams
    Incessantly,
    And as I carefully measure out my afternoon
    Coffee break,"

    Like so:

    Onto the back of my own heart with charcoal.
    His thoughts emerge in my dreams incessantly,
    And as I carefully measure out my afternoon coffee break, (one line - not enough room here).

    Keep going with this. I really think you've got an excellent poem in the making here.

    Peace, love and all that other junk,

    Joe

    | Posted on 2007-09-04 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      The best part is the vacant apron draped across the chair. That's where you have a really clear image, and it does the work of hundreds of words. The "slurp of his mocha" is a godd sound picture, too. "He's instantaneously the little girl on the plane..." is a tough one though. I'm not getting a clear picture there...if that's what you are going for.

    Two word choices are a little questionable to me. You use the word RAGE in line 2, but that's not the overall feeling I am getting--- more like longing. And you use the word INCESSANTLY in line 16. To me that words connotes irritation and annoyance, but this guy is far from annoying.

    I like "measure out my coffee break" the measuring helps bring to mind spooning up the sugar and creamer. Don't think you need so many adverbs and adjectives , though. I would drop impatiently, carefully, incessantly, and minute. I think it might make your ideas stronger if some of the verbs and nouns stand on their own. I think it has potential. Good luck with it.

    Annie
    | Posted on 2007-09-03 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]


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