Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Black holedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: taintedsmiles
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 64/90/75
    Words: 201
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 810
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1286



    Description:
       Tear apart me another black hole.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlack holedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tear apart me another black hole
    Fadnig from this life
    Rip the skin right off of the body
    Hanging by the thread here's the knife

    Head rush as i bang it against the wall
    The bricks show only truth
    Nothing to lose
    But the pain has only just began

    Why won't it stop
    This everlasting pool of misery
    I'm almost out of air
    Lock me inside my room
    And show me how much you care

    Hand me the crystal necklace
    That you've made from silk and lace
    And don't forget the broken pearls tearing me
    As it slides passed my face

    Wrap me in velvet lies
    Tell me everything's fine
    When i know and you know
    The pain burried deep behind your eyes
    Lock the door when i'm still here
    You can pretend i'm gone or
    You can sit in fear

    Tell me that you love me
    Well what's the sense in that
    When all i get is battered rejection in the end
    That's saved for last

    So tear apart me another black hole
    Oblivion to my utter nothingness
    Sink and fade so i no long exist
    As i give in to this devouring emptiness




    Submitted on 2007-09-02 18:53:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "Fadnig", should be "fading".
    "began" should be "begun". I also suggest you capitalise your 'I's.

    Meanwhile, you've attempted a far overused metaphor, the idea of being torn apart by a black hole. It's miserable how much pain and torture can be lumped into words directly. I notice many of your writes are venting, but I would suggest you look deeper in your heart for what keeps you alive, and well, and healthy. Perhaps the beauty of existence and living can be exemplified as easily as pain can be expressed.

    Cheers
    Azuire
    | Posted on 2007-09-21 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow I can feel the emotion in this piece. It's very good and deep. Like it alot good write.
    | Posted on 2007-09-04 00:00:00 | by Katlord | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    148918

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry