Oh, Sweet Sin

Author: Magic Dragon Elite Ratio:    5.11 - 62 /64 /38 Words: 75

Class/Type: Poetry /Longing Total Views: 896 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 501

Description:

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Oh, Sweet Sin

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Oh, sweet sin swallow me- Oh, you blooming rose I've smelled your lust I want to inhale again- Oh, why must you grow so far away- A breeze But for a moment I held you- And then the winds moved away- Oh, sweet rosebud My passion for you hungers- An animal inside me- Open his cage- He's had a taste He wants more- Oh, please, sweet rose Release me from my prison.

Submitted on 2007-09-04 19:48:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

this was very good...could of been longer but awesome for what it is and how you wrote it

| Posted on 2007-09-06 00:00:00 | by taintedsmiles | [ Reply to This ]

sweet neediness is all encomapassing, no? this is a very nice and flowery (forgive the wording) peice perhaps a silk and velvet hung room, rich and vibrant roses in all shades of pinks and creams and yellows overflowing crystal vases i dont really see anything that could be changed, or mistakes that need fixing... keep it up xoxo

| Posted on 2007-09-05 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]

I thought your use of 'Oh' throughout the poem was overstated. Your word choices could have been much stronger-- everyone in the world has described the rose as 'sweet,' and you yourself used the word three times in this poem. Be wary of clichés. I'm looking at the 'animal inside' line, here. I guess what I'm ultimately trying to tell you is to be more original. I feel like I've already read this poem a thousand times under different authors.

| Posted on 2007-09-04 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]

my my...an over eager child, at best. your words scream when they should whisper, your description floods the canvas with color when it should subdue the portrait with greyscale. perhaps i only need to read the first part of this piece...but then again, maybe i shouldnt waste my time. not that im a judge of proper poetry or anything such, but you should just know, that for having read this, i didnt enjoy it as much as the choice of words hinted i might...

| Posted on 2007-09-04 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]

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