This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Oh, Sweet Sin

Author: Magic Dragon
Elite Ratio:    5.11 - 62 /64 /38
Words: 75
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 896
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 501


Part 2 to Rosebud. I wasn't planning on a sequal. Things happen.

Oh, Sweet Sin

Oh, sweet sin swallow me-

Oh, you blooming rose
I've smelled your lust
I want to inhale again-
Oh, why must you grow so far away-

A breeze

But for a moment I held you-
And then the winds moved away-
Oh, sweet rosebud
My passion for you hungers-
An animal inside me-
Open his cage-
He's had a taste
He wants more-
Oh, please, sweet rose
Release me from my prison.

Submitted on 2007-09-04 19:48:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  this was very good...could of been longer but awesome for what it is and how you wrote it
| Posted on 2007-09-06 00:00:00 | by taintedsmiles | [ Reply to This ]
  sweet neediness is all encomapassing, no?
this is a very nice and flowery (forgive the wording) peice
perhaps a silk and velvet hung room, rich and vibrant roses in all shades of pinks and creams and yellows overflowing crystal vases

i dont really see anything that could be changed, or mistakes that need fixing... keep it up

| Posted on 2007-09-05 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought your use of 'Oh' throughout the poem was overstated. Your word choices could have been much stronger-- everyone in the world has described the rose as 'sweet,' and you yourself used the word three times in this poem.
Be wary of clichés. I'm looking at the 'animal inside' line, here.
I guess what I'm ultimately trying to tell you is to be more original. I feel like I've already read this poem a thousand times under different authors.
| Posted on 2007-09-04 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]
  my over eager child, at best. your words scream when they should whisper, your description floods the canvas with color when it should subdue the portrait with greyscale. perhaps i only need to read the first part of this piece...but then again, maybe i shouldnt waste my time. not that im a judge of proper poetry or anything such, but you should just know, that for having read this, i didnt enjoy it as much as the choice of words hinted i might...
| Posted on 2007-09-04 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?