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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Wastingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: taintedsmiles
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 64/90/75
    Words: 180
    Class/Type: Poetry/Cutting or Mutilation
    Total Views: 1201
    Average Vote:    2.0000
    Bytes: 1387



    Description:
       We sit in depression until the time we figure out we need to stop worrying about what you want to do and actually do it and so you waste your life wanting and crying feeling depressed not knowing how to move on and so we die knowing we were a waste of time.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWastingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The world is a vacant expression
    Lost bewildered in time
    Confusion glass breaking illusion
    hopelessly losing my mind

    withering tears my face slowly melts
    ears ringing head pounding in suffocation
    rush hour spinning
    everything on pause
    starting with my self-inflicted mutilation

    tick tock
    one second passes by
    gust of wind rushes like a waterfall
    fast forward
    beg to die

    in between the cracks
    the eternal truth seeps slowly through
    of all the lies burried deep into the crevices
    never thought
    it'd be you

    tick tock
    a minute passes by
    trickling tears like acid rain
    can't wait
    until i die

    flesh eating maggotts dissolve the skin
    internally bleeding idolized
    self-inflicted sin

    tick tock
    an hour passes by
    speed up time going crazy inside
    fastforward
    beg to die

    sagging skin from broken bones
    draging the soul so utterly dense
    it's only flesh and blood as i'm strangled in barbed wire fence

    tick tock
    time so passes by
    slowly i've wasted my life
    tick tock
    obiturary page
    Cut the roses with this
    Bloody rusty knife.




    Submitted on 2007-09-06 20:28:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well. Ahem. Those were rather harsh and not particularly constructive comments. However, that being said, I must say I don't particularly like poems that end with the narrator's death, mainly because you are obviously still alive to write this, so to write about your death (as the narrator) always seems so contrived.

    As for the rest of the poem, some good, some...not so good. Your first two stanzas are good in general. I don't undersand "withering tears" however. As you have this written, your tears are withering your face. This makes no sense to me. I realize it's a metaphor, but even metaphors have to make sense. This one doesn't to me. And then, that last line of the second stanza is just too in-your-face. Clarice is right about that line. You should just get rid of it.

    The remaining stanzas are also pretty blatant. What was so pleasing about the first two stanzas was their vagueness. You cast that aside at the end of the second verse. It's definitely an injury to the poem in doing so.

    I like your tick tocks and increasingly long increments of time. In your fourth stanza, you mention an "eternal truth", but you don't really tell us what you mean; you just sort of leave that hanging there.

    Your best stanzas were the first two (minus that last line) and your tick tock stanzas. I didn't care for the obviousness of the others (lots of blood and broken bones). Since cutting, depression and suicide are such common topics here on ES, they have entered the realm of clichés. As the poet, if that's what you want to write about, then it is your job to find a different way of talking about it to us. You didn't do that here in your alternate stanzas. Can you think of another way of talking about blood or bleeding without using the words blood, bleeding, drops, crimson or lifeblood? I'll bet you can. You've already put a lot of thought into this as it sits; take just a little more time and give it a little more thought and I'm sure you'll be able to come up with a fresher way of writing about this subject. mae
    | Posted on 2008-12-22 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      It felt sort of like you were trying as hard as you could to put as many depressing similes, metaphors, and other literary devices you could into the piece in the hopes of it justifying it's label as "Dark." The way I see it, "dark" is another way of saying "deep." All this stuff about self-mutilation, buried lies, internal bleeding, tears like acid rain... I've heard it all before, which doesn't translate to deep for me.

    There were a few triumphant phrases -- "rush hour spinning everything on pause", "strangled in barbed wire fence", "the world is a vacant expression"-- but in between all these there was just a jumble of exactly what blu_kittin said: stereotypical ideals of what the new age emo crowd writes about.

    Another problem I have with this is that you start with a clear trend in the beginning: it's purposefully vague, making you guess what the piece is going to be about, which I really liked. But then it felt like you felt the need to change it just so that you could make it more obviously about suicide: "starting with my self-inflicted mutilation" was completely unneccessary and reading it back, if you took it out entirely it makes the whole first few stanzas a more decent read. People like to read poetry that makes them think.

    After that, I feel like it pretty much went downhill. I agree wholeheartedly with nwproud in that the reader knew the only place to go was the cave at the end of the ill-poetic tunnel (i
    the suicide of the narrator.) Once again, readers like to read something that makes them think, keeps them guessing. Why read something when they know what's going to happen already?

    Again, there were some good phrases in here that perhaps if you tried this again with less filler, it would work out better.

    I don't mean for this to be a flame or anything, just an opinion.

    -Clarisse
    | Posted on 2007-09-07 00:00:00 | by JustClarisse. | [ Reply to This ]
      this doesnt seem to me to be so much a depressed piece as just someone trying to [censored] about the world by waxing poetic, and failing a bit, giving into stereotypical ideals of what the new age emo crowd writes about

    this doesnt reach me at all....

    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-09-07 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      i mean...you use very graphic words, very graphic expressions, very well, too, at that...however...whether or not this is so naturally poetic, im not so sure. your idea is explained well, with the line "the world is a vacant expression" but then you break up any sort of potential, your piece of writing becomes a downward spiral, the reader knowing the only place to go is a cave at the end of your ill-poetic tunnel. now, please, dont take this the wrong way, im not so much trying to criticize as i am trying to question your intentions. sure, you claim to be writing a darker, depressed piece...but this merely does not qualify, in my opinion...
    | Posted on 2007-09-06 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]


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